The Way Back

And there I was, sitting in my vehicle, sobbing.  Wretched, convulsive sobs engulfed my body.  A flood gate had opened and I sat there, vehicle humming, seatbelt undone, face in my hands, sobbing as if I had lost someone.  

My faith life got off track for a bit during and immediately after college.  I would like to think this happens to most people that go through a huge life transition like college and becoming a true adult.  Admittedly, it began because I got lazy.  I got lazy with my faith and lazy in going to mass.  It just became so much easier to not go.  The innate desire I once had to be there was gone and I rejected all of my friends' invitations to go with them.

I think part of it was also due to a new boyfriend and residual guilt I had about our relationship and the fact that he was not Catholic, nor did he claim any denomination in particular or go to church.  I loved him and hey, I was a pretty decent person, I didn't really need to go every single week, did I?

I became a lapsed Catholic and ya' know, for several years after college, I was okay with it.  I would make it to church with my family and maybe a couple other friends, but never on my own.  I couldn't sit in that pew, lonely, dejected, and feeling guilty over my sinfulness.  What if people guessed how I felt?  Could you see those sins as easily as I could, imagining them scrawled on my flesh like pen on paper?  My soul felt smudged, blighted, as if I was no longer good enough for God.

I remember a distinct conversation I had with my grandmother, regarding my faith, years after this period.  I was telling her about it and she said, "Yes dear, I think it happens to a lot of us with our faith, but God was always faithful and standing by, calling you back to Him."

He was and He did.  I felt that yearning deep in my soul on a daily basis.  I felt that want to go back to church, to meet Him face to face in the Eucharist.  I knew I couldn't without confession and boy, that was hard to admit.  During this time period, I had met my now husband and drug him along with me to mass from time to time, but I still felt I needed something more.  We got married in the church.  I kept making excuses to God and myself about the steps I needed to take to get back to Him fully.

Finally, just a few years ago, I summoned up some nerve and went to take part in the sacrament of Reconciliation.  Standing in line for the confessional, I bit my lip and tried hard not to pass out from the anxiety of it all.  After several arduous minutes, it was my turn to step in.

I shut the door, kneeled behind the screen, and immediately burst into tears.  In a shaking voice, full of anguish, I choked out my plea, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.  It has been over 10 years since my last confession."  I'm sure some of those words dissolved under the weight of my guilt and sin and abject misery.  I gave my confession, my complete and total list of everything that encumbered my soul.  I prayed the Act of Contrition and received my penance.  When he said these words,

"God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your son, you have reconciled the world to yourself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the church, may God grant you pardon and peace. And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

I started sobbing again.  I was a weeping mess for a few minutes, before the priest said he had a question for me.  He asked me what made me come back.  Why did I seek him out?  I told him my story, of how my husband and I had tried for 5 years to have children and how it didn't work out, even though I prayed every day.  I told him how I changed that prayer after a while and started asking God to make me okay with not having children of my own, to ease the pining in my heart, and He answered that prayer.  How could I not come back after He granted me that?

I walked out of that confessional in a daze.  I'm sure, to the others in line, I looked a hot mess, clutching a handful of Kleenex and a puffy, tear-stained face.

And there I was, sitting in my vehicle, sobbing.  Wretched, convulsive sobs engulfed my body.  A flood gate had opened and I sat there, vehicle humming, seatbelt undone, face in my hands, sobbing as if I had lost someone.

I didn't lose someone that day.  Instead, as the sunset streamed a golden hue through the windshield, I realized that I had finally found myself.  I had finally experienced true redemption.

This Maundy Thursday, I thank Jesus for instituting the priesthood.

Matthew 18:18New International Version (NIV)

18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."

I Bite my Thumb at you, Sir!

I mention my obnoxious coworker a lot in my normal Facebook feed.  I have had a few friends ask exactly what makes my coworker so obnoxious.  So okay, here's the story on that one.

So, I have been in my current position within the agency for what, 2 years now?  We were originally in a different building and in that one, he was on the other side of the wall from me.  I am normally friendly to people unless they give me a reason not to be, so when I first met the guy, I thought he was okay, though a Nebraska fan, so ya' know, a little suspect.  

One thing I quickly learned about him was that he was a real smartass.  Not a problem, I thought.  I am, too!  I once had an ex state that I was too sarcastic?!  Is that a thing?  However, I noticed that it wasn't just that he was a smart aleck.  He repeatedly would go out of his way to aggravate someone.  If he knew someone didn't like something, it was like he had to do whatever that was more often.  Again, didn't seem like a big deal at first, but then something changed.  He was always talking about things that were slightly, um, edgy?, you could say and he thought he was hilarious.  Everyone was always saying, "Oh so-and-so, *haha* you shouldn't say those things, you could get into trouble."  He was one of those people that always tried to push the envelope and people let him, because I guess they thought it wasn't worth the trouble to say anything and the director of our department was one of the people who just said, "Oh, so-and-so, you're just so funny..."

Well, in my old office I had a massive attention whore who did something very similar.  Always had to speak out about everything in the office and try to make it all. about. them.  Every single time.  I'm just not a fan of these type of people.  This guy is very similar to that, but almost worse, because he intentionally tried to provoke people.  

He constantly brought up topics that were inappropriate or hurtful to others.  Sometimes I heard him and cringed.  Other times I intentionally put earbuds in so as not to get irritated myself.  Luckily, at the time, he was on the other side of my cubicle wall and I rarely ran into him.  

That all changed when we moved to our current building.  (By the way, this guy is so obnoxious that he actually stole signage from our old building, because he thought it was hilarious to put up in his new cubicle, and people LET him!)  Now he was in the same aisle, in the corner, and all of his buddies would come over and sit in his little corner cubie and talk and talk.  Still, that wasn't too bad.  What really made him super obnoxious was when they moved everyone around again and he was assigned a cubicle directly across the aisle from me.  Now he was catty corner to his BFF, my coworker, who is the other half of my 2-person unit.  This is the same lady who he made it a directive each day to go in and make some comment about how she looked that day.  She's my age (upper 30s) and he's in his 50s.  He would come in and ask about her necklace, ask why she wasn't wearing a certain shirt, ask about her weight (seriously?!) and just every day go in and say something mildly inappropriate.  

Now they sit where he has a direct line of sight (and speak) to her.  Look, I'm a morning person, y'all!  I love the AM.  Once I actually get out of bed, I'm awake and usually happily humming a tune while getting coffee started, making my lunch, and putting on makeup.  I love the mornings, so, so much.  I get to the office about 15 minutes ahead of my 'start time' and RELISH that quiet. The first hour of the day for me is like a meditation.  I check my voicemails, my e-mails, finish up responses from the day before, go through anything due, and then start on my new requests.  

Now, I have a LOUD person, who doesn't care one whit about his volume, that as SOON as my coworker comes in, has to speak with her.  Not a big deal at first.  Everyone has that "Hey, good morning!" crap they do with one another.  This however, is not a 5-minute chat.  That first week, he talked normally to loudly (way above a whisper every time) for an hour to 2 hours EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  

I thought it was the newness of the situation for the first few days.  Still annoying, but ya' know, easily written off.  Nope!  Every single day for the first two weeks it started in as soon as my coworker stepped foot in her cubicle and didn't usually end until an hour in.  

Look, the guy already knows I don't like him.  I don't care for the way he talks to people, so snotty and thinking he's just all that and a bag of chips.  Add on that I don't care for how he treats women either and I really don't care for the guy.  So, because he knows it, I couldn't be the one to say anything to his supervisor, because he would just excuse it away as me not liking him.  Finally, even his friends and cubicle neighbors told his supervisor.  He was talked to.  He grumbled and talked some more.  He was talked to again.  

I just want 1 friggin' hour in the morning at peace.  That's all I am asking!!

After he was spoken with, as soon as I reach for my mp3 player, he'll shut up within a few minutes, because I guess he thinks it's me complaining.  But on days like today, when his boss isn't in the building, it's no holds barred!  Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk....this guy will NOT shut up.  

Okay, so there's a bit more to the story than just this, because I have said something to his supervisor about his inappropriate remarks to my coworker.  He actually tried to defend himself, as he began degrading women AGAIN!  

So, is this obnoxious behavior?  I would say yes, but maybe your definition is different.  A guy who is misogynistic, an attention whore, a constant provocateur on purpose, and not a little bit creepy with the younger ladies in our office, is obnoxious to me.  Maybe I'm not stating my case well enough, but believe me when I say that most of you would NOT like this guy.  He goes out of his way to make people feel like shit and he goes out of his way to exclude the people he doesn't care for, too.  Plus, he does NOT want to get into a conversation with people who might possibly chastise him for his language and/or vulgarity.  All of this adds up to obnoxious for me...what do you think?  Am I not being charitable enough?  Am I being too judgmental?  All I know is in the mornings I just want a little peace and quiet.  Do your work and I'll do mine.  In the afternoon, after we've put in more than 4 1/2-5 hours, go for it, for a short while anyhow.  

So, since I didn't do Tuesday 5 again this week, I may need to get a good topic for next week.  Any ideas?

Limitless

Okay so, I don't really have a Tuesday 5 for you today, because as I was cutting up my grapefruit into beautiful segments...(I lie, they were all busted up and scraped out of their rinds, with juice dribbling down my hands and wrists), I was thinking a lot about my anxiety.  I have dealt with it for what, 3 years now, I think, maybe 2 1/2.

I was thinking about how it's actually probably a good thing that I'm not in a more high pressure sort of job.  What if I had become an ER doctor and developed anxiety?  How could I have helped people in life and death situations if I was anxious about my own mortality and my own medical needs?  On the other hand, I would have had a bunch of doctor friends that probably wouldn't charge me much for the occasional paranoid CT scan...hmm.  I got a little bummed thinking about this because I was viewing my anxiety in terms of how it has limited me.

Believe me, I'll be the first to tell you that anxiety hit me like a frickin' sucker punch, right to the gut and chest.  It didn't come on slowly.  Before 2 1/2 years ago, I was a (moderately) sane person.  I was still scared of heights and got the occasional vertigo, but the most that hampered me in Kansas was not being able to climb up to the Capitol dome.

Oh, anxiety has limited me in a number of ways, but I believe that it has also given me several blessings in disguise.

I am much more conscious of the things that I view and if they will be positive or negative.  I do a lot more things outside of sitting and watching TV.  I found more, varied hobbies that I didn't realize I would enjoy.  I am much more aware of the things I put in my body, food wise.  I am hyper aware of the medication that I take and how it affects me and my mood.  I think that these are all positive consequences of anxiety.  The two most positive things about having anxiety?  I have changed my way of thinking about this world and the next.  I have grown closer to God and learned to trust in Him more than ever.

I think deeper thoughts than I did before.  I mean, I never before truly contemplated death and how it would feel or what would happen afterward.  This is one of the best/worst aspects of anxiety, that ability to conjure up the topic that will make you feel the shittiest.  Mine is death.  Death is frightening and thinking about it, as a person with anxiety, would nearly make me have an attack as soon as I did.  However, working through this stressor has actually brought me a lot of relief, because I know I am prepared.  Okay, so how can you ever TRULY be prepared?  You can't, but, you can make sure that you have forgiven your enemies and told your family and friends that you love them and requested forgiveness from God for the things you have done.  You prepare mentally and spiritually, because anxiety will deceive you into believing that death is around every corner.  When you think like that, you plan on how to make sure you don't die with hate on your heart.

I pray like I have never prayed before.  I ask Mary and the saints to help me with every little thing now.  I ask God for all kinds of stuff I never would have asked before, because now I understand the purpose of prayer.  It isn't to just ask for material things to receive or even for people to get better or
for things to turn out differently, it's to be united with God in a quiet moment and recognizing that you can give it to Him because He has, and will always, carry that burden for us.  I know that I have increased in humility and meekness (believe it or not).  I pray for causes and people in new ways.  I pray for God to invade the souls of the people who wish to do others harm.  I pray for mercy for people most would say don't deserve it.  I pray for safety and protection of my family and friends, but most of all, I pray that God will inflame my heart with even greater love for Him.  This is the power of anxiety.

Anxiety has pushed me to the brink.  There were moments where I just wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the night.  I was scared of everything.  When you're scared of everything, how do you truly live?

When I try to explain to people how bad it was and my lowest moment, I always go back to the bathtub.  That moment when I had anxiety so badly that the only thing that could relieve it was literally sitting in a tub of warm water, with the shower head on, pouring even hotter water over me.  I would shut it off for 20 minutes to let it warm back up, then turn it back on.  Over and over and over again, for nearly 3 hours, I did this.

My lowest point, the nadir of my journey, the bathtub, was where I met God face to face.  I cried and prayed and begged for relief.  He has salvaged my soul and helped me grow spiritually in a way that I was limited by without the anxiety.

Huh, imagine that.

Tuesday 5: Big important things!

It has been a couple weeks since I last posted, so I guess I should do a little bit of writing. It's that Tuesday 5 time again!

1. I am still going through a bit of the winter blues. I don't mind winter, but I would prefer to get a boatload of snow at least once this year! The one time we were initially projected to get a huge snowstorm, it all went north of us and we got nothing but a trace. Boo. I miss the snow. I love being out in it, the look of the pristine lawn of snow before anyone walks on it, and the way a city shuts down in silent reverie. It is so lovely. Come back snow, I miss you!

2. So my stepdaughter graduates 8th grade this year and she goes to school in a small town, as she mainly resides with her mother. We went to an 8th grade parents' meeting a week or two ago to go over graduation, the 8th grade dance, some fundraisers, and the 8th grade trip to an amusement park.  The kids want their dance's theme to be Royal Ball and they are going to wear formals. Are you kidding me?! It's 8th grade! Not only that, but the parents are talking about spending gobs of money on decorations and a DJ. They even made statements like "This is my child's 8th grade dance, of course we are going big! The school isn't paying for it, so we can do what we want!" Okay, I understand that this is a milestone in a child's life, but it isn't high school. Plus, the K-12 is all in the same cluster of buildings, so they aren't even physically moving anywhere. Back in my day, (yes, I am legitimately using that phrase) the only decorations we had were a few streamers and balloons on the refreshment table and we wore regular dresses, nothing fancy to our dance. Oh, and THEN, they started talking about how maybe they should do a glow in the dark theme and have the kids' hands get painted with it so they could see who got too handsy on the dance floor *tee hee* Oh isn't it so funny to sexualize our 13 year olds?! *wink wink* It's nothing we didn't do back then. Except uh, no, we didn't do that. Anyone who had "boyfriends" in junior high went to the movies and held hands and maybe kissed a few times, but I KNOW our parents for the most part encouraged modesty and self-respect. Ugh, sorry for the tangent, but that really disgusted me. Am I a prude?

3.  Today is Fat Tuesday y'all! Mardi Gras! I am thinking about what to do for Lent this year. I am sure you are all supremely interested, right? Well, I am thinking of abstaining from all pop and alcohol this year and adding some prayerful activity. I am terrible about following through on the prayer stuff though, so I am going to start small and maybe do a rosary once a week and maybe 2 religious books over the course of 40 days. What are you doing? Any more, simple ideas for me?

4.  Is there anything quite as rage-inducing or perhaps frustrating as the election cycle in the U.S.? I think you are hard-pressed to find something worse in that respect. If the super mysoginistic, and bankruptcy-loving Trump wins the nomination, this country is far more selfish than I originally thought. It's sad how successful he is in using fear and loathing to his advantage and disguising it as frankness.

5. Speaking of loathsome politics, Hillary Clinton is pretty despicable as well. So much history of shady dealings and outright lying and basically saying anything anyone wants to hear just to garner votes. The worst part is that Gloria Steinem, someone who considers herself a groundbreaking feminist, basically said the reason young women (under 45, that's me!) are flocking to Bernie Sanders is because all the boys like Sanders. Whaaaa?!?! So women like Bernie because we are too stupid to think about issues and just go where the cute boys are. Wow. Just wow. Not to be outdone, Madeline Frickin' Albright stated her "jokey" motto that she has said (according to her) many times in the past. "There's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women." So now I am supposed to vote for Hillary because she and I share the same gender?! How is that not the very opposite of what feminism stands for? It's truly appalling that women are actually considering her.

I know, I know, people have very different ideas of what they want a president to be like. It's great that there is so much attention focused on electing our next leader. However, I would encourage everyone to do some digging and not just vote for someone for superficial reasons. This is important and yes, your vote does mean something. It's too bad we don't take up a grass roots movement for an intelligent person that's not worth tens of millions of dollars or more!

Thanks for reading and have a great week!

Tuesday 5: Stuff to do, stuff to think about

1.  This weekend was a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I made homemade burger buns Saturday for the sloppy joes the kids made and followed it up with chocolate mousse for dessert. I worked on a new puzzle, did a little bible study and a little poetry dissection.  I have been trying to make an effort to keep myself busy and productive at work and at home, instead of just sitting on a computer or watching TV. It's a work in progress, but I have been fairly successful so far.

2.  I talked to someone at work about my anxiety the other day. She asked me if I was still into The Walking Dead and I was explaining why I didn't really watch it anymore because of my anxiety. It turned into a discussion on the topic. It has been 3 years since I developed anxiety through a medical emergency. At my worst, I was sitting in a tub, with the shower head pouring hot water down, while I tried not to think some of the worst thoughts to enter my brain. For hours I was in that tub. I have come so far, thank the Lord! My work offers therapy services through our employee assistance program. If the therapist you choose is on their list, you can receive up to 10 1-hour sessions for free, paid by my employer. That program saved me. Truly. Why is it not mandatory everywhere?

3.  I am currently reading Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy. It's 20th century British literature. I read The Mayor of Casterbridge and Tess of the D'Urbervilles years ago,  but this is most acclaimed work. I really like it so far. I am intending to alternate between modern and classic literature this year, but I would love suggestions of classics that are really good  (no Dickens or Hawthorne) but most people either haven't read them or have never heard of them.

4.  The things I don't really like about winter: icy roads, stupid drivers, dry skin, and static electricity! I zap myself everywhere. I am always a little static-y, but it gets 10 times worse during the winter. The worst is the grocery store. Inadvertently touching a shelf, picking up cans, opening the fridge doors...they all get me. The other day I got zapped so hard you could see the actual spark! I would like to say it's my electric personality, but it's actually pretty annoying. Does this happen to anyone else?

5.  I have a major sweet tooth. The other day I was watching Friends and they were talking about salt water taffy. It made me crave some taffy, so I called my husband and had him stop and get me a Laffy Taffy. My favorite candy bar is probably Mounds or Milky Way Midnight. I love dark chocolate. What about you?

Tuesday 5: Mmmm...food

I was thinking about what to post for my Tuesday 5 while I was in the midst of making my supper.  It is cold, icy, and snowy outside today and I drove home through a very pretty snowfall that was coming down fairly densely.  When I got home there was only one thing I wanted for supper - something warm!  Which made me contemplate my top 5 cold weather foods.

We're going to talk in specifics here people, because while soup is obviously going to be on this list, there are certain types that are better than others.

5.  Goulash!  One of my favorite cold weather meals, it's all encompassing.  Meat, pasta, tomatoes, and cheese, plus a little kick with the chili powder.  Yum!

4.  Shepherds Pie.  I just started making this one last year, but the combo. of ground beef, tomatoes, and mashed potatoes makes this warm your tummy up right!

3.  Chili.  There's nothing like coming home to a crockpot full of my husband's chili.  The smell is fantastic and it tastes even better!  He loads it up with 3 kinds of beans, ground beef and steak, as well as several kinds of peppers.  I'm sensing a theme in my dishes.

2.  Malt o' Meal.  Now here's where I break away from my theme, because when I want something quick, easy, delicious, and nutritious, that will warm me up, I have to have Malt o' Meal.  I know, I know, some people hate it because of the texture, but with a splash of milk and some sugar, it is my favorite pairing with coffee, in the morning or the evening.  (It's what I made for supper tonight.)

1.  Tomato soup and grilled cheese.  Top marks for a reason, whether out of a can (with milk) or homemade, nothing hits the spot like creamy tomato soup and gooey, cheesy grilled cheese.  A little on the dark side, making sure the bread gets full cheese coverage.  Superb!

What are your favorites?

Have a great week!!

Tuesday 5: The Force Awakens and so does my Soapbox

1. Yes, we did see Star Wars opening night, but I really want to see it again. Rick and I both had New Year's Day off, so I was going to watch it again while he and my SD Ashley watched Krampus. We went to the 4pm showing. I did not purchase tickets ahead of time. It was sold out again, y'all! 2 weeks after the release and still selling out. Wow. That's quite a feat. For the record, while I love the new characters and the *SPOILER* light saber battle in the snow was amazing, I really didn't like the way they jammed it down my throat that this film was going to be like the OT (original trilogy for you normal folk) and definitely not like the prequels. I get it, I get it. People despised the prequels. Yes, I don't like them nearly as much as the OT, but TFA was TOO self-referential. I was actually kind of glad *SPOILER* that not all of the OT characters will be in the next ones. Focus on Rey and give me a sweet back story for Poe Dameron and I will love you forever JJ!

2.  So, instead of watching Star Wars like I wanted, I ended up seeing Sisters, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  It was hysterical and there were several spots I laughed 'til I nearly cried. Yes, it's raunchy. Yes, it's a party movie, but it is a party movie for 40 year olds! Plus, it has awesome cameos by lots of funny people, including Maya Rudolph, Kate McKinnon, Bobby Moynihan, John Leguizamo, Rachel Dratch, and Samantha Bee. All hilarious! Reviews are divided, but what bothers me is that the biggest complaint from the naysayers is that it isn't cerebral enough. That's right, apparently Tina Fey and Amy Poehler can only do comedies that are smart, like Parks and Rec. or 30 Rock. Yes, they are smart women, but they are entitled to cut loose every once in a while. Seth Rogen and James Franco aren't the only ones allowed to do those types of movies. They have enough comedy cred to do whatever the heck they wanna do! Tina Fey as a writer was one of the best SNL staff writers of all time! This feels a little personal to me, because a lot of those people doing reviews make it seem like smart women over 40 can only be certain things. They can't be raunchy without being sluts. They can't be sexual without being trashy sluts. They can't act silly without being stupid, trashy sluts. Look, I am not saying we should advocate binge drinking and drugs as a regular lifestyle. I am merely saying that women can portray those roles for the purpose of a funny movie without degrading women by that portrayal. I think Fey and Poehler do a good job of that. Yes, these women are a mess, but they aren't setting feminism back through these characters. What does set it back though, is when reviewers make it seem like Fey and Poehler MUST portray only cerebral funny roles in order to make a statement. Sometimes there is no statement. Sometimes it's just frickin' funny.

3. Oh my, that soapbox got a bit lofty, didn't it? Let me bring it back down. Speaking of statements, I made one this weekend when I was crowned CHAMPION of my Fantasy Football league. I am the only female in a league of 10 players, comprised of my husband, my brother, and their coworkers. This group includes 2 guys making a career out of sports broadcasting and a couple others who have been in leagues for years! I am so proud of myself, as my first year in the league was last year and I ended up in the middle of the pack then. I studied players quite a bit and I feel like I managed my team pretty well for a relative newbie. If you're a nerd who likes numbers, FF may be for you. I played my brother in the championship and won $225. Now to find something(s) fun to spend it on. I foresee a few hours on Etsy!

4.  I have been listening to my mp3 at work a lot lately. I ended up setting it to play every soon it (391) in alphabetical order. What a hodge podge that is! Alt. Rock, Beatles, Johnny Cash, 90s country, Les Mis, Edith Piaf, among others. Music is integral to the wellbeing of my soul. That is not an overstatement. Music feeds me spiritually. I have done music-related posts on here before. Seek them out, read them, and let me know the one current song you could listen to on loop. One current, one old, one hymn...how's that? I am so looking forward to your answers! For the record, mine are: nothing new, so I will say a new-ish one, The Cave by Mumford and Sons. Old one would be: Folsom Prison Blues. Hymn? Hmmm. I actually love the Gloria (Glory to God in the Highest) in the Catholic mass. I hum it a lot, in the middle of the week.

5. Finally, my husband just got called out for work, so it looks like I am by myself tonight. Dig in to The Martian or a book on mercy? Decisions, decisions.

Have a great week everyone and thanks for reading and sharing!