The Way Back

And there I was, sitting in my vehicle, sobbing.  Wretched, convulsive sobs engulfed my body.  A flood gate had opened and I sat there, vehicle humming, seatbelt undone, face in my hands, sobbing as if I had lost someone.  

My faith life got off track for a bit during and immediately after college.  I would like to think this happens to most people that go through a huge life transition like college and becoming a true adult.  Admittedly, it began because I got lazy.  I got lazy with my faith and lazy in going to mass.  It just became so much easier to not go.  The innate desire I once had to be there was gone and I rejected all of my friends' invitations to go with them.

I think part of it was also due to a new boyfriend and residual guilt I had about our relationship and the fact that he was not Catholic, nor did he claim any denomination in particular or go to church.  I loved him and hey, I was a pretty decent person, I didn't really need to go every single week, did I?

I became a lapsed Catholic and ya' know, for several years after college, I was okay with it.  I would make it to church with my family and maybe a couple other friends, but never on my own.  I couldn't sit in that pew, lonely, dejected, and feeling guilty over my sinfulness.  What if people guessed how I felt?  Could you see those sins as easily as I could, imagining them scrawled on my flesh like pen on paper?  My soul felt smudged, blighted, as if I was no longer good enough for God.

I remember a distinct conversation I had with my grandmother, regarding my faith, years after this period.  I was telling her about it and she said, "Yes dear, I think it happens to a lot of us with our faith, but God was always faithful and standing by, calling you back to Him."

He was and He did.  I felt that yearning deep in my soul on a daily basis.  I felt that want to go back to church, to meet Him face to face in the Eucharist.  I knew I couldn't without confession and boy, that was hard to admit.  During this time period, I had met my now husband and drug him along with me to mass from time to time, but I still felt I needed something more.  We got married in the church.  I kept making excuses to God and myself about the steps I needed to take to get back to Him fully.

Finally, just a few years ago, I summoned up some nerve and went to take part in the sacrament of Reconciliation.  Standing in line for the confessional, I bit my lip and tried hard not to pass out from the anxiety of it all.  After several arduous minutes, it was my turn to step in.

I shut the door, kneeled behind the screen, and immediately burst into tears.  In a shaking voice, full of anguish, I choked out my plea, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.  It has been over 10 years since my last confession."  I'm sure some of those words dissolved under the weight of my guilt and sin and abject misery.  I gave my confession, my complete and total list of everything that encumbered my soul.  I prayed the Act of Contrition and received my penance.  When he said these words,

"God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your son, you have reconciled the world to yourself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the church, may God grant you pardon and peace. And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

I started sobbing again.  I was a weeping mess for a few minutes, before the priest said he had a question for me.  He asked me what made me come back.  Why did I seek him out?  I told him my story, of how my husband and I had tried for 5 years to have children and how it didn't work out, even though I prayed every day.  I told him how I changed that prayer after a while and started asking God to make me okay with not having children of my own, to ease the pining in my heart, and He answered that prayer.  How could I not come back after He granted me that?

I walked out of that confessional in a daze.  I'm sure, to the others in line, I looked a hot mess, clutching a handful of Kleenex and a puffy, tear-stained face.

And there I was, sitting in my vehicle, sobbing.  Wretched, convulsive sobs engulfed my body.  A flood gate had opened and I sat there, vehicle humming, seatbelt undone, face in my hands, sobbing as if I had lost someone.

I didn't lose someone that day.  Instead, as the sunset streamed a golden hue through the windshield, I realized that I had finally found myself.  I had finally experienced true redemption.

This Maundy Thursday, I thank Jesus for instituting the priesthood.

Matthew 18:18New International Version (NIV)

18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."

Full Disclosure

Some of you may know that I am not the touchy feely kinda gal.  I don't like flowers to be sent to me and I prefer handshakes over hugs (most of the time).  If today is one of the few days that your SO chooses to validate the core of your relationship, then I hope it's everything you need and want at this time.  However, I hope that everyone reading this tries to incorporate the meaning of this day into their relationship every day.

You don't need February 14th to roll around before you do it.  You don't even need it to be your anniversary, Father's Day, Mother's Day, or your significant other's birthday.

Choose to celebrate TODAY!  Honor your spouse TODAY.  Give them a 20 second hug.  Smack their bottom as they are walking away from you.  Waggle your eyebrows at them when the kids aren't looking.  If you know your spouse is overwhelmed with housework, do a load of dishes.

Don't do it because it's February the 14th.  Do it because you love your spouse and you have consideration for their feelings, their fears, their sorrows, and their joys.

One of the most powerful things I have learned in my marriage is the power of saying you're sorry and the power of forgiveness.  Sure, things are said in the heat of the moment.  We've all done it and yes, sometimes it comes from an obscure portion of your heart that needs to be mended and recovered.  It's natural to have those feelings.  As a stepmother, I KNOW I've let frustrations over money boil over and blamed my spouse for having two children that he pays child support for.  I love those kids, wholeheartedly, but yes, sometimes your judgment gets clouded.  It's okay.  Say you're sorry.  One of the most heartfelt gifts we can give to another person, and not just our spouse, is the power of forgiveness.  I was mad and upset and as soon as those words dropped from my mouth, I wished them back inside.  I stomped upstairs, sobbing.  I was so mad at myself for doing that to my spouse.

I took a breather and after a good half hour, I went back downstairs, put my arms around him, and told him that I was so incredibly sorry and didn't mean what I'd said.  My spouse, my loving, amazing spouse, immediately said, "I know.  I was mad for about 30 seconds, but I knew you didn't mean it.  I forgive you."

Create inside jokes with your spouse.  Squeeze their hand when you're sitting at the table together.  Wake up and look into each others' eyes and smile.  Take an interest in their interests.  You don't have to go all in and don the jersey or crawl under the hood, just make an effort to ask them about their interests.

Here's the hard one:  Put your spouse first.  (Or second, you know, God first, really, if you believe.)  Kids are second (or third).  I guarantee you and your children will be happier for it.  You will model a wonderful and loving relationship for your children and still have someone to talk to when the kids leave the nest.

I've said this before and I'll say it again.  The one "rule" my husband and I live by is this:  We put each other ahead of ourselves.  Simple as that.

Do it NOW.  Don't wait.  Please don't wait.

Do it because it's worth it, not because the calendar says to go buy overly expensive flowers or chocolates or cards.  Full disclosure:  My husband and I do not celebrate Valentine's Day.  He never sends me flowers.  I never buy him chocolates.  In the end, he holds my hand at my most unlovable and I am so very grateful for that.