The words that I use today are quite different than the words that I would have used 15 years ago. Then it would have been painful and I would suffer to tell the tale of a lonely soul who found love and walked away from it with their skin shredded to ribbons.
10 years ago I suffered under the weight of my soul-crushing desire to have a child.5 years ago I rejoiced in the promise of an answered prayer.
Today my thoughts and feelings, though still full of those other times and sufferings and joys and grace and despair, also smack of vitality and renaissance. I am woman. I am 40. I am passion and purpose and art and fury and all the things I held restrained within me at 24.
I hadn't yet learned the beauty of stillness. I hadn't yet heard the heartbeat of perfect love. I hadn't yet borne the despair of infertility. I hadn't fully lived.
And yet...have I now? I do feel that I am on the precipice of something. Not just being 40, but finding a fullness of myself. I'm not sure what that even means, but I'm ready for it.
Until I get there, are these words today enough? Have I meant something? Have I existed in these words? Have I inhabited my speech and my thoughts and my feelings? Have I left something good with my family, my friends, my community, full of warmth and passion and a true deep well of happiness that is encapsulated in my life?
When in doubt, live. Tackle that voice telling you no or you can't. Put those words down and give them wings by letting them breathe in the light. I'm certainly going to try because I have hope for more than today.
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