A Race

A week or so ago, I needed to get out of the house.  I had itchy feet and I knew I needed to drive.  I just needed to drive somewhere, it didn't really matter where.

Accompanied by the vocal stylings of Bret Michaels (Poison 4everrrrr), I rolled down the windows on my miniv...*ahem*, crossover vehicle, and turned up the radio.  I just started going south.  I drove south, out of the city, winding past close-set houses, until I got further out.  I started passing by wide, lush lawns, huge homes set far back from the road, and kept going.  I drove until I ran out of asphalt.  I live in Kansas, so it actually didn't take as long as you'd think.  Then, I took a left, and another right, and drove south again until I ran out of asphalt.  Slowly, I turned around and meandered home, taking another route, past houses I'd never seen before.

My life's motto!

Every once in a while, the only fix my poor, wanderlusting heart can get for the gypsy feeling is to just go.  I beg my husband to go on Sunday drives, but he's not as fond of wasting gas as I am, I guess.  Occasionally, I get the opportunity to run away, just for a half hour, or maybe a few hours, or even just 10 minutes.  I don't want to escape my life, but I need to run out of my skin for a minute.  I need to feel the wind and see the countryside.  I need to blast my radio and sing out loud.  Sometimes, I need to chase the sunset...or sunrise.  Depends on the day.

In the midst of my drive though, I realized that one of the last times I did this, I had to turn around rather quickly and go back to familiar territory.  My anxiety belted itself into my passenger seat and mocked me.  It scowled as I took off and cringed the further away from my home I got.  When I got to an area where the land rose and became hilly, it wound itself up as tight as a coiled snake and its tail started rattling.  I knew I couldn't make it.  I knew that it was going to bite me.  So, I turned around.  I looked at my piteous self in the rearview and I drove back home, defeated.

This time was different.  My heart soared and I kicked anxiety to the curb like the unwanted hitchhiker it was. I outran my skin that day and for a few moments in time, I was happy.

Life is what you make of it and I am taking my gypsy heart for a ride more often.  I'm making a life that is no longer consumed by anxiety.  I hope you get the chance to outrun your fears, even just for a moment.

Limitless

Okay so, I don't really have a Tuesday 5 for you today, because as I was cutting up my grapefruit into beautiful segments...(I lie, they were all busted up and scraped out of their rinds, with juice dribbling down my hands and wrists), I was thinking a lot about my anxiety.  I have dealt with it for what, 3 years now, I think, maybe 2 1/2.

I was thinking about how it's actually probably a good thing that I'm not in a more high pressure sort of job.  What if I had become an ER doctor and developed anxiety?  How could I have helped people in life and death situations if I was anxious about my own mortality and my own medical needs?  On the other hand, I would have had a bunch of doctor friends that probably wouldn't charge me much for the occasional paranoid CT scan...hmm.  I got a little bummed thinking about this because I was viewing my anxiety in terms of how it has limited me.

Believe me, I'll be the first to tell you that anxiety hit me like a frickin' sucker punch, right to the gut and chest.  It didn't come on slowly.  Before 2 1/2 years ago, I was a (moderately) sane person.  I was still scared of heights and got the occasional vertigo, but the most that hampered me in Kansas was not being able to climb up to the Capitol dome.

Oh, anxiety has limited me in a number of ways, but I believe that it has also given me several blessings in disguise.

I am much more conscious of the things that I view and if they will be positive or negative.  I do a lot more things outside of sitting and watching TV.  I found more, varied hobbies that I didn't realize I would enjoy.  I am much more aware of the things I put in my body, food wise.  I am hyper aware of the medication that I take and how it affects me and my mood.  I think that these are all positive consequences of anxiety.  The two most positive things about having anxiety?  I have changed my way of thinking about this world and the next.  I have grown closer to God and learned to trust in Him more than ever.

I think deeper thoughts than I did before.  I mean, I never before truly contemplated death and how it would feel or what would happen afterward.  This is one of the best/worst aspects of anxiety, that ability to conjure up the topic that will make you feel the shittiest.  Mine is death.  Death is frightening and thinking about it, as a person with anxiety, would nearly make me have an attack as soon as I did.  However, working through this stressor has actually brought me a lot of relief, because I know I am prepared.  Okay, so how can you ever TRULY be prepared?  You can't, but, you can make sure that you have forgiven your enemies and told your family and friends that you love them and requested forgiveness from God for the things you have done.  You prepare mentally and spiritually, because anxiety will deceive you into believing that death is around every corner.  When you think like that, you plan on how to make sure you don't die with hate on your heart.

I pray like I have never prayed before.  I ask Mary and the saints to help me with every little thing now.  I ask God for all kinds of stuff I never would have asked before, because now I understand the purpose of prayer.  It isn't to just ask for material things to receive or even for people to get better or
for things to turn out differently, it's to be united with God in a quiet moment and recognizing that you can give it to Him because He has, and will always, carry that burden for us.  I know that I have increased in humility and meekness (believe it or not).  I pray for causes and people in new ways.  I pray for God to invade the souls of the people who wish to do others harm.  I pray for mercy for people most would say don't deserve it.  I pray for safety and protection of my family and friends, but most of all, I pray that God will inflame my heart with even greater love for Him.  This is the power of anxiety.

Anxiety has pushed me to the brink.  There were moments where I just wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the night.  I was scared of everything.  When you're scared of everything, how do you truly live?

When I try to explain to people how bad it was and my lowest moment, I always go back to the bathtub.  That moment when I had anxiety so badly that the only thing that could relieve it was literally sitting in a tub of warm water, with the shower head on, pouring even hotter water over me.  I would shut it off for 20 minutes to let it warm back up, then turn it back on.  Over and over and over again, for nearly 3 hours, I did this.

My lowest point, the nadir of my journey, the bathtub, was where I met God face to face.  I cried and prayed and begged for relief.  He has salvaged my soul and helped me grow spiritually in a way that I was limited by without the anxiety.

Huh, imagine that.

Tuesday 5: Stuff to do, stuff to think about

1.  This weekend was a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I made homemade burger buns Saturday for the sloppy joes the kids made and followed it up with chocolate mousse for dessert. I worked on a new puzzle, did a little bible study and a little poetry dissection.  I have been trying to make an effort to keep myself busy and productive at work and at home, instead of just sitting on a computer or watching TV. It's a work in progress, but I have been fairly successful so far.

2.  I talked to someone at work about my anxiety the other day. She asked me if I was still into The Walking Dead and I was explaining why I didn't really watch it anymore because of my anxiety. It turned into a discussion on the topic. It has been 3 years since I developed anxiety through a medical emergency. At my worst, I was sitting in a tub, with the shower head pouring hot water down, while I tried not to think some of the worst thoughts to enter my brain. For hours I was in that tub. I have come so far, thank the Lord! My work offers therapy services through our employee assistance program. If the therapist you choose is on their list, you can receive up to 10 1-hour sessions for free, paid by my employer. That program saved me. Truly. Why is it not mandatory everywhere?

3.  I am currently reading Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy. It's 20th century British literature. I read The Mayor of Casterbridge and Tess of the D'Urbervilles years ago,  but this is most acclaimed work. I really like it so far. I am intending to alternate between modern and classic literature this year, but I would love suggestions of classics that are really good  (no Dickens or Hawthorne) but most people either haven't read them or have never heard of them.

4.  The things I don't really like about winter: icy roads, stupid drivers, dry skin, and static electricity! I zap myself everywhere. I am always a little static-y, but it gets 10 times worse during the winter. The worst is the grocery store. Inadvertently touching a shelf, picking up cans, opening the fridge doors...they all get me. The other day I got zapped so hard you could see the actual spark! I would like to say it's my electric personality, but it's actually pretty annoying. Does this happen to anyone else?

5.  I have a major sweet tooth. The other day I was watching Friends and they were talking about salt water taffy. It made me crave some taffy, so I called my husband and had him stop and get me a Laffy Taffy. My favorite candy bar is probably Mounds or Milky Way Midnight. I love dark chocolate. What about you?

The Battle I Wage

Today I wore my comfy dress.  I woke up at my normal time, laid in bed snuggling up to my husband's back and let my mind drift to the end of the work day and what I was going to do then.  Today I thought about everything that happened yesterday.  I thought about everything that didn't happen yesterday.

Today I beat my anxiety.  I felt that coil in the bottom of my stomach, that very beginning of a churn, the first click on the roller coaster, and I shoved it down deep inside of me again.

Yesterday, the clicks whirred several times before I was able to stop it.  Tuesday, I stared down the first hill of that coaster track and as it does, the coaster tipped, slowly, every slowly, over the edge of the hill, and came racing down.  You can't control it once it gets too far over that ledge.  It speeds up and keeps going, hill after hill, turn after twisty turn.  Sometimes it even flips me upside down.

The worst part is that sometimes it's so unpredictable, I don't even know what I'm responding to.  Tuesday I was looking at Mapquest at work and seeing how far down Highway 1 goes in California.  I followed it down further and further, 'til it hit the tip of the Baja peninsula in Mexico, surrounded by water.  My mind started retracting back and my head started spinning, thinking about looking at the Earth from that far away.

I knew looking at pictures or videos of space or views from a great height was a trigger, but I didn't think just looking at a flat, non-3D map would do it.

I can't even think about getting on a plane some days.  That triggers it.  If I get a dizzy spell, it sometimes triggers it.  Intense dramas trigger it.

A lot of things trigger it and it's amazing how quickly the downward spiral progresses.  It's overwhelming sometimes to feel that churning and try to swing myself out of it.

Sometimes I just need to take a deep breath, get up, and move around.  Tuesday wasn't quite that easy.  I, of course, had to click off what I was looking at.  I took some breaths.  I desperately tried to keep my mind out of that black hole of anxiety.

It's been nearly two years since my anxiety began.  Six months after it happened, my husband and stepdaughter were baptized and made full communion in the Catholic church.  It was warm in the church and the incense was cloying, per usual.  I started feeling stuffy and slightly overheated and the anxiety attack got into full swing.  I was trying hard to breathe, but all my mind could think about was what would happen if a gunman came into the church and started shooting.  My stepdaughter and Mom are across the aisle, my Dad and Rick are several pews in front of me, and two siblings and their families were sitting clear up at the front.  I couldn't get to all of them.  How could I get to them before the gunman did?

This is what anxiety does.  It tricks your mind into thinking about the worst case scenarios of everything and questioning how you will make it through.  Sometimes, when it's extra bad, you are paralyzed with fear, you can't breathe, your stomach churns, and in those moments, you truly believe that you are going to die.  You just know it.  Your teeth clench and your fingers lock, just waiting for oblivion.

At its worst, I sat in our tub full of the hottest water I could stand, with the hottest water pelting down on me.  I would beg my husband to go to bed at the same time as me because I didn't want to try to fall asleep without him there.  The boogeyman in my head would lie to me and fill it with the scariest thoughts.

My anxiety desperately tries to control me.  It wages a war in my body and my mind every. single. day.

But today, I beat it.  I'll take today.

Tuesday 5: Body Positive Edition

I have been feeling rather dumpy lately. My legs hurt, I have gained back some weight, I hadn't worked out in 3 weeks. I just plain haven't been feeling it. Today was my first day back at the gym in 3 weeks and it took everything in me to pull into that parking lot, change clothes, fill up my water  bottle, and start my workout.  The reason for my absence?  Well, I was sick for a week, my shoulder hurt the next week, and the week after that was just laziness. I felt every bit of it today, too. That was one of my most difficult workouts,  mentally and physically.

So, in the interest of keeping myself going, here are 5 things I love about myself no matter my weight!

1.  My Eyes.  I think that I have very pretty eyes.  I have long eyelashes and my eyebrows are even and filled out.  They are thinning a bit, as everyone's does as you age, but not a lot.  They are arched perfectly over my eye.  I think my eyes are expressive, too.  You can usually see a lot within them.  

2.  I am tall.  I am 5'10" and I love being this height.  I can reach pretty much anything I may need from higher shelves and I carry my weight well.  Plus, it comes in handy if you are feeling confident, because sometimes with my height and weight, I intimidate people.  I'm not saying I like intimidating everyone, but it definitely has its perks in certain situations.  I can help people at the grocery store, too.  My favorite part of being tall is being super tall in high heels.  I'm lucky my husband is 6'2", so even in heels, he's still usually taller than I am.  

3.  I have great hair.  It's naturally wavy, thick, and glossy.  I rarely use product in my hair and I don't often color it or use heat on it.  That keeps it looking very shiny and healthy.  It's wavy enough that I can diffuse it into curls or straighten it fairly easily.  I just got a bunch of blonde highlights in it and chopped it for the summer and it looks great!  I also look good with longer hair, though I don't keep it long very much anymore.  I am definitely getting some grays, but they actually blend in pretty well.  

4.  I have a lot of scars that remind me that I'm a survivor.  I have scars from open and closed heart surgeries, my pacemaker surgery, and scars where they put tubes in my stomach as a baby.  I have scars on my hands from burns and cuts and scars from a bike wreck when I was in 5th grade.  They define me in a way that nothing else can.  They show that I have lived and been hurt and gotten up and dusted myself off and kept going.  As a child, I was asked a lot about my zipper on my chest and I never remember feeling bad about it.  I was proud.  It made me different.  It made me feel strong.

5.  I like my brain.  There are a lot of things about it that drive me crazy, like its need to obsess over little things and the endless counting of ALL THE THINGS, but it stores quite a bit of information.  My brothers tease me that I'm only 'trivia smart' and while I agree that I know a lot of useless knowledge, I know that I'm not stupid.  I pick directions and hobbies up very quickly.  Once you show me something, I don't usually have to ask how to do it again.  I have phone numbers stored in my brain from YEARS ago.  (I still know all my good friends' phone numbers from when we were kids as well as my library card number from my hometown library.)  I still know Mark Antony's soliloquy from Julius Caesar and I have a vast inventory of 90s songs, titles and artists, in my brain.  I have pretty good critical thinking skills and great short-term memory.  (That was helpful in high school for a lot of tests in which I studied 20 minutes ahead of time and passed the test with flying colors.)  My brain is big and beautiful, just like me.

I'm sure this random 5 was boring to a lot of you and may seem braggy, but I truly believe positive self-talk is crucial in making things happen.  I don't like feeling down and dumpy and with my anxiety, sometimes I feel like I have no choice.  Today, though?  Today I have a choice and my big, beautiful brain is telling me that I have a lot of good things going on.  I will chip away at the weight gain, little by little, and I will conquer more major steps in my journey.  I hope all of you take the time to be body positive today, too.  There's lots to love about all of us, so come on, tell me your best feature below!

Sweatpants and Friends

Today?  Today was a hard day.

If there was ever a time that I wanted to give up, today was that day.

I had a fairly blah day at work.  It was nothing special.  I got stuff done and that was that.  I was just feeling kind of....unmoved, ya' know?  I did have some anxiety this afternoon.  For a split second, I thought about what would happen if our building just all of a sudden collapsed.  Would it hurt?  Would I feel anything?  I pushed it out of my head as quickly as it came in, but I immediately felt worse.

Then, I got home and my trainer came over.  I was NOT in the mood to work out.  I was exhausted and anxious and just flat out not feeling it.  She pushed me anyhow and I did a killer leg workout.  I was on the verge of tears nearly the entire time.

By the end of the workout, I really felt like I could just sit down and cry right there.  I really, really wanted to lay down on the couch and just bawl my eyes out.  I was a bit of an emotional wreck.

Why?  I don't know.  I think it was a combination of anxiety, exhaustion, and PMS.

I wanted so badly to just sit down in the middle of my workout, stick out my bottom lip, cross my arms and say 'No!  Not doin' it.'  I wanted to have a meltdown, but I didn't.  I stuck it out, finished what I needed to, and dragged my tired old ass upstairs.

Husband fed me grilled hamburgers and corn on the cob, gave me a 20 second hug, and left me to scroll through the entirety of the internet.  I'm so thankful for him.  He helps me decompress so much.

Now I think it's time for a hot shower, my trusty Target men's sweatpants, and some Friends and crocheting.

Here's to a better night and a better tomorrow!

If you suffer from anxiety and depression, please know that there is help and you can make it through to the other side!  Therapy, meditation, and prayer are all things I utilize to get me through.  I hope you find comfort knowing that there are people just like you, normal people, that have hard times, too.  Reach out.

Crazy, Exhausted

This weekend was a great one.  We had a reprieve from the Kansas winter and Mother Nature blessed us with a 70 degree day yesterday and a 60+ day today.  We were busy.  We celebrated a couple's upcoming nuptials on Friday night, worked out, ran errands, Rick took my stepdaughter to the new Spongebob movie, went to the park, and hung out by our friends' firepit on Saturday night, and then today was a blur of church, park picnic, Boat and Outdoor show (where we had a fortuitous meeting with former Royals players Dennis Leonard and Tom Bruno), and zoo before coming home.

Packed weekends are fun, but totally and utterly exhausting.  We ran around like crazy and now I desperately want to crash early in my bed.  However, I cannot.  Why?  Because in the midst of all the crazy, we didn't get much time to do what needed to be done.

Laundry was piled up, dishes scattered about, cats whining to be fed (at least one), and groceries to be shopped for.  We have nothing in the house to bring to work for lunches for the week and we ate out for both lunch and dinner.  I was so hungry earlier I felt like puking and then scarfing down a Sonic bacon cheeseburger certainly didn't help.  Now I feel worse!

I'm bloated and cranky, frustrated with transitioning my cats to wet food and trying to get them to eat out of separate bowls.  I am overwhelmed with all that needs to be done and in the midst of all of this, I snapped because my hubby was hogging the wi-fi and I couldn't finish a game of Trivia Crack.  I yelled at my stepson because he left the empty cans of cat food on the counter in the kitchen and didn't rinse them out and my cat tried to jump up there and clean them out.  I got frustrated with both of the kids because they didn't rinse the dishes before they stuck them in the dishwasher and so now several dishes have stuck on food.  

What do you do when crazy meets exhausted and you are so worn out you can barely breathe?

The kids are back with their mothers and here I sit, contemplating just going to bed, knowing I can't, because my husband is going to ignore the laundry and watch The Walking Dead instead.  That's totally fine, but I can't even enjoy that with him anymore.

My anxiety creeps up at night and especially when I watch any kind of 'intense' programming.  So I made the decision to forego the rest of the season to keep myself (relatively) sane.

I've been needing to write a post since Tuesday and can't find anything to write about.  The weekend was so busy, it distracted me from this, but has also kept me from centering myself again before work tomorrow.  I just want to scream sometimes.  My exhaustion overwhelms me and makes me wonder if it contributes to my crazy, or if it's the other way 'round.

SERENITY NOW!!!  Serenity now.

Here I sit, half asleep, wondering if the groceries will magically appear.  Probably not, but I know one thing.  I'm not getting them.  I think I'm going to finish up the laundry and read in bed instead.