Fill up your cup

I have had a long week.

My emotional reservoir was seriously depleted.  I have not slept well.  I am fatigued. I wasn't feeling well tonight and didn't feel like eating much. I am stressed, but I am grateful.

I have forgotten how much I needed to take the time for a little self care.  So tonight, I am in my sweatpants. My favorite green "T rex hates pushups" tee, courtesy for the Field Museum in Chicago, reining in the boobage and getting ready for some cross stitch.

How are you? Are you well? Have you had some rough nights recently? It's okay, really. No matter how scared, anxious, lonely, or fatigued we are, we know that we still have each other. We are all in this together.

This week I learned the very important lessons of service and grace and a huge helping of humility. I helped a very dear college friend during a very rough time in her life. I made myself available to her in any way she needed and tried to calm the chaos for her, just a little bit. For a moment or two, she had peace. I am not good at the emotions or the gestures of comfort. I feel awkward and never know quite how to act. However, for my friends, I will do anything. I am fiercely loyal and passionately in their corners. Do not think that because I don't cry much that I do not feel. I feel very deeply.  I am devoted to filling up your cup at the risk of letting my own well dry up.

This tough week has been a trial for the fortitude of our nation and our people. People feel hurt and sad and, whether you believe they should be or not, the reality is that they are.  So, fill each other's cups. Remember that true service, done out of love, can build bridges instead of walls. Keep perspective on your situation. While people cried over election results, others cried because they lived in poverty or because a loved one died. Most of all, extend compassion and actively listen to one another.   Have a wonderful week ahead and know that God is there. Love and light to you.

Gee, narcissistic much?

Boy, that first day back after a long weekend is a killer, eh?

My work day went screaming by and now it's almost 8 and I still have a bunch of stuff on my to-do list!  Yikes.

I am writing this in lieu of something else that's due soon, so hey, procrastinators UNITE...tomorrow.

Here's a little something about me you may have noticed.

Sshhhh.  I'm a narcissist.  At least, that's how I feel sometimes.  I struggle with this a lot, especially lately.  I have a really hard time biting back the urge to interrupt conversations (though that does happen frequently, no matter how much I tell myself not to), I rattle off know-it-all facts when people are talking about a particular subject I may have some veeeerrrry tangential relationship to, and I have a hard time keeping friends.  Probably because of these traits.

I am somewhat of a well-meaning narcissist though, if that's a thing.  I try very hard on a daily basis to keep my ego in check.  I honestly think that a lot of people fail at that quite spectacularly.  Instead of feeling jealousy because you didn't get as big a role as you thought you should, instead focus on how to support those in the bigger roles.

Instead of talking about oneself constantly, ask questions of others and LISTEN to their responses.

Constantly serve and ceaselessly pray.  Those both have helped me realize and combat my narcissistic ways.  I will be the first to admit that I do like it when people praise my talents.  I sometimes check what I post on Facebook several times a day to see how many people like it or have commented on it and I sometimes feel affronted that no one has liked my status.  Trust me when I say that I recognize this behavior and constantly feel guilty for feeling this way.

I continue to try daily to not come across so self-centered.  I do this by nearly always asking to help someone or volunteer for some position or another.  I mean, I do it because I really do want to help, but an eensy-weensy part of me does it because if I didn't, I would be even more of a terrible person. Helping people is my calling and one I undertake seriously, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't feel just little bit better about myself because of it.

The biggest problem is the interrupting and know-it-allness that sometimes comes across.  You guys have NO IDEA how much I edit myself before I speak.  Like, ALL THE TIME, thinking about how this will come off and how someone will view me based on what I say.  I feel like half of the thoughts that fly through my head are tsking myself for having said something fairly innocuous that someone may have perceived in a negative light.  I constantly berate myself whenever I mentally correct people and REALLY let myself have it when I actually, finally, give in to the urge to verbally correct someone.

I know.  This does not paint a pretty picture of me.  I realize this.  So why post this?  I just want to know if I'm alone in these crazy thoughts.  I edit my texts, my e-mails, my speech, and oftentimes, my physical reactions to other people based on what I think they'll think about me if I respond differently.  It is exhausting sometimes to hold it all in.  I honestly don't know where I want to end with this.  I am a pretty joyful and exuberant person, but sometimes, sometimes I truly despise myself and how I told some stupid story that's only indirectly related to someone else's true and heartfelt one.  I am a very lonely soul some nights.  I'm the odd piece on the puzzle board.  The one that slipped in to the wrong box.  No matter how hard I try, or how many people try to fit me in to the missing spot, I will only get crumpled and oily around the edges.

Darkness can only be in places that also carry light.

The good thing is that I know God is there and He carries me through a lot of the darkness.  My puzzle piece always fits inside His heart.  I think my husband is the only other person in my life that actually knows how hard I try.  They both love me in spite of my filthy heart.  I will always be grateful to Rick (and God) for rescuing me out of my own personal darkness.  I will continue to work on this, but just know that if you know me, I don't mean to be rude or pedantic or ramble on.  I just want to know you and support you in any way you need.  I promise.

(Also, I took a test and scored really low, so I'm hoping that helps convince you all that I'm not completely crazy!  I tested it myself! haha)

St. Teresa of Calcutta, pray for me and all those whose darkness can consume them. Pray that the light prevails within us.

Limitless

Okay so, I don't really have a Tuesday 5 for you today, because as I was cutting up my grapefruit into beautiful segments...(I lie, they were all busted up and scraped out of their rinds, with juice dribbling down my hands and wrists), I was thinking a lot about my anxiety.  I have dealt with it for what, 3 years now, I think, maybe 2 1/2.

I was thinking about how it's actually probably a good thing that I'm not in a more high pressure sort of job.  What if I had become an ER doctor and developed anxiety?  How could I have helped people in life and death situations if I was anxious about my own mortality and my own medical needs?  On the other hand, I would have had a bunch of doctor friends that probably wouldn't charge me much for the occasional paranoid CT scan...hmm.  I got a little bummed thinking about this because I was viewing my anxiety in terms of how it has limited me.

Believe me, I'll be the first to tell you that anxiety hit me like a frickin' sucker punch, right to the gut and chest.  It didn't come on slowly.  Before 2 1/2 years ago, I was a (moderately) sane person.  I was still scared of heights and got the occasional vertigo, but the most that hampered me in Kansas was not being able to climb up to the Capitol dome.

Oh, anxiety has limited me in a number of ways, but I believe that it has also given me several blessings in disguise.

I am much more conscious of the things that I view and if they will be positive or negative.  I do a lot more things outside of sitting and watching TV.  I found more, varied hobbies that I didn't realize I would enjoy.  I am much more aware of the things I put in my body, food wise.  I am hyper aware of the medication that I take and how it affects me and my mood.  I think that these are all positive consequences of anxiety.  The two most positive things about having anxiety?  I have changed my way of thinking about this world and the next.  I have grown closer to God and learned to trust in Him more than ever.

I think deeper thoughts than I did before.  I mean, I never before truly contemplated death and how it would feel or what would happen afterward.  This is one of the best/worst aspects of anxiety, that ability to conjure up the topic that will make you feel the shittiest.  Mine is death.  Death is frightening and thinking about it, as a person with anxiety, would nearly make me have an attack as soon as I did.  However, working through this stressor has actually brought me a lot of relief, because I know I am prepared.  Okay, so how can you ever TRULY be prepared?  You can't, but, you can make sure that you have forgiven your enemies and told your family and friends that you love them and requested forgiveness from God for the things you have done.  You prepare mentally and spiritually, because anxiety will deceive you into believing that death is around every corner.  When you think like that, you plan on how to make sure you don't die with hate on your heart.

I pray like I have never prayed before.  I ask Mary and the saints to help me with every little thing now.  I ask God for all kinds of stuff I never would have asked before, because now I understand the purpose of prayer.  It isn't to just ask for material things to receive or even for people to get better or
for things to turn out differently, it's to be united with God in a quiet moment and recognizing that you can give it to Him because He has, and will always, carry that burden for us.  I know that I have increased in humility and meekness (believe it or not).  I pray for causes and people in new ways.  I pray for God to invade the souls of the people who wish to do others harm.  I pray for mercy for people most would say don't deserve it.  I pray for safety and protection of my family and friends, but most of all, I pray that God will inflame my heart with even greater love for Him.  This is the power of anxiety.

Anxiety has pushed me to the brink.  There were moments where I just wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the night.  I was scared of everything.  When you're scared of everything, how do you truly live?

When I try to explain to people how bad it was and my lowest moment, I always go back to the bathtub.  That moment when I had anxiety so badly that the only thing that could relieve it was literally sitting in a tub of warm water, with the shower head on, pouring even hotter water over me.  I would shut it off for 20 minutes to let it warm back up, then turn it back on.  Over and over and over again, for nearly 3 hours, I did this.

My lowest point, the nadir of my journey, the bathtub, was where I met God face to face.  I cried and prayed and begged for relief.  He has salvaged my soul and helped me grow spiritually in a way that I was limited by without the anxiety.

Huh, imagine that.

Tuesday Random 5: Bierocks, Board Games, and Brownies, oh my!

It has been a multitude of weeks since I last posted a Tuesday 5 list.  I have been overwhelmed with summer time activities.  We have hosted a 4th of July BBQ, been gardening, cleaning house, prepping for August's fiscal fast (you'll read more about that in another post soon), reading, etc.  So, I finally decided to prioritize my blog again.  Today's Tuesday 5 is a hodgepodge of thoughts and happenings.  What have you been up to this summer?

1)  It is actually very liberating to unfriend people on Facebook.  I try not to do it much, because I try not to add individuals that I don't know fairly well, but eventually I find that I'm not getting much out of our connection and I have to cut those ties.  I also HATE advertising that I'm doing it, because it seems like such a "Look at me!" sort of statement.  I know, I know, I'm blogging about it now.  *sigh*  It's only because I want to mention how great it is to finally let go of baggage that was hurting your heart.  True friendship is more than just meaningless platitudes.  Don't friend me on Facebook or accept my friendship on Facebook if you don't want to be friends with me in real life.  Also, friendship is actions AND words.  I don't care if we haven't seen each other for years, I can still feel loved and cared for by people in the way they treat me when they do get to see me and talk with me.  I hope those people feel the same.  However, there are some individuals that love to say they have all these friends, but never put those supposed feelings into action.  I guess what really made me unfriend people this time was talking with a good guy friend in February.  I was telling him what I felt about how a group of people was treating my husband and I.  Specifically me, because well, EVERYONE loves my husband and I'm a lot tougher to like.  I know this.  I have accepted this.  It doesn't always make it less painful, but it is something I've come to terms with about myself.  Anyhow, I was telling him about all of the things that they had done, outwardly and covertly, whether it was intentional or not and he pretty much asked me why I was still friends with them.  I couldn't answer that coherently.  It stuck in my mind and my heart and I ruminated over it for weeks and months.  After a recent conversation with one of the individuals I thought was a friend and subsequent actions after that conversation, I realized I really didn't know why I was still hanging on to something they didn't care about one way or the other.  So, I let go.  You know what's really funny, too.  I unfriended this bunch a week ago and haven't heard a peep from them since.  You will know your friends by their actions and well, now I know.  It still hurts, don't get me wrong, but when it's time to let go and you finally find that courage, it is truly liberating.

Pluto?  Nope, the delicious dough!

2)  I made a bunch of frozen bierocks this past Saturday.  My intention is to prep for August and have quick and easy meals if we didn't feel like cooking.  So, I made up enough dough for 3 dozen bierocks and what I thought was enough filling for 3 dozen bierocks.  My husband and I do this in tandem.  I get the dough flattened into a circle and he does the filling and crimping.  Needless to say, the filling only made about 26 bierocks.  What to do with the other 10 lumps of dough?  Well, Rick ran to the store and picked up mozzarella and pepperoni and we made 10 "hot pockets" out of those.  I'm excited to thaw them and try them in August!  I baked half of the bierocks and all the hot pockets fully and half the bierocks I only baked halfway.  I hope this means that the ones we'll have time to bake the rest of the way will be tastier.  We'll microwave the others, more than likely, with a slightly damp paper towel around them.  The dough does turn a bit chewier, but it's still pretty tasty for a quick homemade meal.

Finished product!  Yum!

3)  I have a Little Free Library in my yard.  You can find more information about that at Little Free Library.org.  So, I keep a pen in there with a notebook for people to write questions and comments.  The first one was removed about a month or so into us having it.  I finally replaced it a couple weeks ago and it was gone again in a matter of a day or two.  I had it affixed by twine to the notebook and put a little tape around it just to keep it from sliding around.  Sure enough, they took off the tape and took the pen.  I do not understand this behavior.  Why does anyone want to take a generic 39 cent pen?  I'll put another one out there eventually.  I don't care if they need a pen, but why take it from a community resource like that?  Just come up to our door and ask for pens.  Heck, I'll go buy you several packs of them!  *smh*  Kids these days.

4)  As some of you know, Rick's Dad passed away last May of 2014.  His stepmother had to move into town from the farm, as she didn't care to live on her own in the middle of nowhere.  When we helped move some of her things, Rick ended up inheriting an old game from the 70s & 80s called "The Farming Game".  It's set up very similarly to Monopoly, but instead of buying properties, you purchase acreage for grain, hay, and orchards, as well as livestock, pasture land, and equipment.  As you get to certain areas of the board, you enter harvest season for the different types of acreage.  You then roll a die to determine how much income you netted off that harvest and what operating expenses you have to purchase are determined by drawing a card.  It is a lot of fun.  I had never heard of it before, but we played it the very next weekend with the kids.  It entertained us for FOUR hours.  Yep.  4!  I've been itching to play it again.  What are your favorite board games?

5)  Finally to the end, sorry it took so long.  I guess since I haven't posted in two months, I finally had a few interesting things to say!  So, for number 5, I'm gonna do you a solid.  Try this recipe soon.  It's for zucchini brownies and it is GOOD.  No milk.  No eggs.  Delicious!  The batter can be dry, but the zucchini adds moisture.  I have eaten several of them already!  Mmmmm.   Fudgy Zucchini Brownies (Egg, Nut & Lactose-Free)  ENJOY!

Have a great week everyone!

Hot Summer Nights

The title of this post may embellish upon the story I am about to tell.  However, I believe that we can all relive some memories here, both based upon the title and the story I set forth today.

No, it's not about a Grease marathon, or a little Jack & Diane running off behind the shade trees.  It is more similar to "This one time, at band camp..." but with a LOT more naivete and awkwardness and a LOT less graphic nudity and vulgarity.  I present to you, the story of my first kiss.

This one time, at 4-H camp (hey, I told you it was similar, but this is where those similarities END), when I was 12 or 13 years old (I really don't remember how old I was, so for the purposes of this tale, I am 13), I met a boy.  Actually, more like a boy showed interest in me.  

Okay, for those of you unfamiliar with 4-H, it's an organization that is dedicated to helping teach children hobbies and life skills, that features a lot of agriculture and arts and crafts.  Most counties have at least one 4-H club in my state, if not several, and there's always a county fair and state fair where people enter their homemade arts, crafts, photography, clothing, cows, goats, and pigs they've raised, even chicken, geese, and bunnies.  I myself, being a small town girl, and not a farm girl, usually entered stuff in baking, cross stitch, photography, and ceramics.

Anyhoo, they had a week-long camp each summer that you could attend at a ranch that had a bunch of dormitory style buildings and opportunities to swim, walk trails, canoe, ride horses, etc.  They also had a lot of different speakers and demonstrations, nightly bonfires, and of course, THE DANCE.  

The dance was always one of the last nights that we were at camp and it was kind of a big deal if you actually went with someone.  Of course, I never did, because at the age of 13, I was taller than pretty much every boy, loud, and probably more than a little obnoxious.  I of course had crushes on boys, but I never actually had any of them show interest in me.  (You know, due to the height, weight, loudness and obnoxiousness heretofore mentioned.)  

Back to the summer camp.  So, I'm not sure when I first met this boy at camp, but I know that he had talked with me before and kind of made it known that he maybe sorta liked me, I guess.  Anyhow, the day before the dance, I was at an activity making ice cream and he told one of my friends that he wanted to talk with me.  Oooooooh, interesting!  So, we of course had a little chat in which he asked me to the dance.  OooOOOOooooOOOooooh.  (That's supposed to be the girly noises in the live studio audiences when Zack and Kelly kiss.)  I remember being so EXCITED.  OMGeeeee, a guy actually LIKED me?!  That was unheard of.

The dance came and Keith (last name started with an 'H' I think) walked me to the dance.  We danced a few times, we chatted and then, he asked me to go on a walk.  I was nervous and my palms were sweating.  I was practically mute (for once), but nodded my head.  

He took my hand.  (13 year old me was kvelling.  Not Jewish, but kvelling nonetheless.)  We walked through the moonlight and he ushered me to a little overlook where we sat down on a bench.  (Imagine like moonlit Paris, but slightly muddy, LOTS of trees, and probably owls, too.  Since I'm already imagining, let me just say I do not recall the EXACT spot where the kiss took place, but I'm sure it was quiet and I know that no one else was around.)

This is me in the 80s.  Well, not me, it's Jennifer Capriati,
but I think we've all learned a lesson here.

We chatted and my stomach churned.  My good Christian upbringing was rearing its head and I was confused as to what I should do if he tried to kiss me.  It's probably not good to kiss a boy I'm never going to see again, right?  But wow, I've never been kissed before.  Oh goodness, my stomach just kept churning and the already pale moonlight probably struck my 13-year old chalk white face and fem-mullet (thanks Mom!) and made it even paler.  

Then, it happened!  He leaned in for the kiss.  Instead of recoiling, I leaned forward too, very awkwardly trying to figure out how this worked.  I mean, I had seen Dirty Dancing by that point, but you know, he was no Johnny Castle, and I sure as hell wasn't Frances Houseman!  Closer, ever closer, until our lips locked.  My 13-year old mind exploded in fireworks and I was euphoric.  (Not really, but I'm sure I was not thinking clearly.) Wait, wait a second here, hold up!  Ew!  Gross, he slipped his tongue in my mouth?!  Well, I guess I should go with the flow.  

We slobbered on each other for a few more seconds, before we stopped and I, shaking, got up and practically ran away, back to my dorm. building.  I was equal parts euphoric and sick to my stomach.  I couldn't believe that my first kiss was a French kiss.  I couldn't look at the poor boy at breakfast the next morning, because I was so horrified at myself.  I remember telling my friends about it and actually crying, because I was so upset.  I was mad that I had done it. embarrassed that I apparently didn't know how to do it properly and I regretted it because it was not what it was cracked up to be.  After camp was over, I was also kinda happy because I'd finally been kissed, but I still didn't feel great about it.

I think I was really upset, because I just kissed him, even though I barely knew him and then was disappointed that the kiss wasn't actually pleasant, in any regard.  But really, what could I have expected, at that age?  I also had a lot of Catholic guilt, because I thought I was being a little hussy. Ah, the naivete of youth!

Needless to say, my friends didn't let me live it down for several years.  At softball, after we got home from camp, my whole team started calling me Frenchy.  (So, I guess it is kinda similar to Grease, too.)  

My kissing has shown marked improvement in the interim 24 years.  At least, I think so.  However, I do have to say that I'm still not super fond of "Frenching".  I think I may be scarred for life!  Ha.

Sweatpants and Friends

Today?  Today was a hard day.

If there was ever a time that I wanted to give up, today was that day.

I had a fairly blah day at work.  It was nothing special.  I got stuff done and that was that.  I was just feeling kind of....unmoved, ya' know?  I did have some anxiety this afternoon.  For a split second, I thought about what would happen if our building just all of a sudden collapsed.  Would it hurt?  Would I feel anything?  I pushed it out of my head as quickly as it came in, but I immediately felt worse.

Then, I got home and my trainer came over.  I was NOT in the mood to work out.  I was exhausted and anxious and just flat out not feeling it.  She pushed me anyhow and I did a killer leg workout.  I was on the verge of tears nearly the entire time.

By the end of the workout, I really felt like I could just sit down and cry right there.  I really, really wanted to lay down on the couch and just bawl my eyes out.  I was a bit of an emotional wreck.

Why?  I don't know.  I think it was a combination of anxiety, exhaustion, and PMS.

I wanted so badly to just sit down in the middle of my workout, stick out my bottom lip, cross my arms and say 'No!  Not doin' it.'  I wanted to have a meltdown, but I didn't.  I stuck it out, finished what I needed to, and dragged my tired old ass upstairs.

Husband fed me grilled hamburgers and corn on the cob, gave me a 20 second hug, and left me to scroll through the entirety of the internet.  I'm so thankful for him.  He helps me decompress so much.

Now I think it's time for a hot shower, my trusty Target men's sweatpants, and some Friends and crocheting.

Here's to a better night and a better tomorrow!

If you suffer from anxiety and depression, please know that there is help and you can make it through to the other side!  Therapy, meditation, and prayer are all things I utilize to get me through.  I hope you find comfort knowing that there are people just like you, normal people, that have hard times, too.  Reach out.

Tuesday 5: Bookends

1.  I am trying to get more into reading right now, instead of just playing around on the Internet.  That's a small part of the reason I haven't blogged at all in a week or updated anything on my Facebook page either.  I need to read!  I finished Paige Kellerman's book,  "At Least my Belly hides my Cankles", which was hilarious! I read Pope Francis's interview with America magazine, entitled "A Big Heart Open to God", which was brilliant and gave me so much hope.  Once that was finished, I immediately downloaded "The Betrothed" by Alessandro Manzoni, since Pope Francis loved it so much and then downloaded "Yes, Please" by Amy Poehler, because I just couldn't resist.  I started "Yes, Please" today on my lunch break at work and it is already fantastic.  I need more suggestions for faith books, though.  Do you have anything for me?

UGH.  AMIRITE?

2.  I am addicted to Trivia Crack.  There, I said it.  I'm a trivia aficionado, so to speak and was that nerdy girl on Scholar's Bowl in high school.  Why can't they have an adult version of that that isn't located in bars?  I'd be totally down with that!  I sometimes get bored with the regular one-on-one game in Trivia Crack, though, so I started playing the random challenges vs. 9 other people and I love them!  12 questions in a row, 2 from each category.  It's timed as well, so you have to be fairly quick.

3.  I watched 3 hours of Friends last night.  In a row.  On Netflix.  It was so great!  I totally remember why I enjoyed that show.  Chandler Bing.  *sigh*  Could he BE any more funny and adorable?!  I think my husband is very similar to Chandler.  He is very quick-witted and cracks me up a lot.  He's also severely adorable, though he looks a bit more like Ross.  I, on the other hand, am horrified to find out that I have grown up to be Monica.  A friend on Facebook, bless her heart, said she thought I was more like Phoebe, because Monica was mean.  Well, I'd say I'm a mixture of them, but I am strongly Monica when it comes to cooking, OCD tendencies, and competitive nature.  I'm more like Phoebe when it comes to my goofiness.  I am not afraid to stand out from the crowd and I am comfortable with being different.  Well, I guess Monica ended up with Chandler, so hey, that worked in my favor!

4.  My left knee was killing me during my workout tonight, so I had to skip the majority of the lunges.  (Not all bad.)  It would pop, then ache like crazy, then pop again and be okay, then pop again and hurt again.  I maintain that it's due to not enough cartilage in my knee.  I played volleyball in junior high and freshman year of high school, as well as a few years ago when I played with a work team and I played softball all the way through high school.  Anyone who has played those sports can tell you that they do a number on your knees.  I'm not saying I was a great player, but I think the fact that I loved to throw myself on the floor and dig volleyballs combined with my weight and age all add up to some very creaky knees.  I can't imagine if I didn't work out what they'd be like!

5.  My husband found a lovely cookbook at Target the other day, when we were supposed to go for 'a few things' and ended up with a cart full of stuff, the majority of which were NOT on my list.  Isn't it crazy how Target does that to you?  Seriously, I went for like 3 things and ended up spending $20 just on knee high socks to wear with my boots!  Oh dear.  Anyhow, the cookbook is a cooking for two cookbook put out by America's Test Kitchen.  I adore America's Test Kitchen, so I checked it out and it's GREAT.  It's specifically tailored for recipes for two, obvs. but we desperately need this because when I cook, I COOK.  A lot o' food.  Even when it's just Rick and I during the week.  I'm trying out 4 recipes from it this week.  I will have to try to report back.  Pork Chops with pears and blue cheese, garlicky green beans, parmesan crusted asparagus, and Spaghetti with pecorino romano, which is basically like an alfredo.

Have a great week, everyone in the fatherhood, motherhood, and otherhood!  Love my peeps!

I LOVE BOOKS!!  Check out my Facebook page soon, because I intend to give away related prizes.  Let's just put it as within the next two weeks.  You will have to do something to earn it, though, so keep an eye out and like my page to be sure you don't miss out!