I refuse...

You know, sometimes I just refuse to give in. I adamantly reject the idea that my anxiety is going to take over my body and mind. Tonight I made pork chops in a pan sauce, green beans (from my canned stash), and leftover squash casserole. I fought my mind throughout the meal and had to leave the table early because I wasn't feeling well.

All I could think about was the green beans. They were pressure canned and all I could think about was botulism and how it would feel to have my organs shut down, etc. I canned everything exactly as the instructions said to and I cooked the green beans again for supper, so it was perfectly fine, but my mind was deceitful. It tried to take me down that lonely, scary road. I hopped on the exit ramp though.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about refusing to give in. I don't want to give up living before I'm done actually living! I don't like flying. I don't like the idea of being holed up on a cruise ship without escape. Two weeks ago I took that flight and cruised from Long Beach, CA to Ensenada, Mexico and while I may not have chosen a cruise ship to get there, it was a fun time and Ensenada was beautiful. We went to two vineyards there and enjoyed fresh olive oil with lovely bread and cheese.

On the first flight, I hadn't flown in so long that I forgot what it felt like. I clutched my rosary, my thumb furiously rubbing the crucifix, tears streaming down my face, praying to God and Mary to help me through that moment. Then, the landing was no big deal. We had a short layover in San Francisco and this time, I tried my utmost to be blase' about the whole takeoff so I wouldn't freak out. I literally almost fell asleep right as it started. I was determined not to let the anxiety take over.

On the flight home, I was so worried about the terrified guy next to me that I didn't have time to ponder the plane breaking in half.

I told my friend before we left that I HAD to do these things. I HAD to challenge myself to go through it. If I didn't, I would be so disappointed in myself.

My anxiety is muuuuuuch better than it used to be and I am so thankful for that. The triggers are still there, but I am challenging myself to face them head on instead of cowering in the corner. For right now, I've done it and I'm happy to report that I'm still alive. So live like there's no tomorrow. The cliche' is a bald truth we must acknowledge. One day, there won't be one. That's it. We're done. My hope resides in the cross but until God takes me home, I refuse to let fear win.

Be

Lord, I am so frightful. I am reaching blindly, hoping to catch on to something solid. I want so much to live a life unafraid...and then darkness comes.

Why? Why does every night end in pleading for rest, comfort, peace? It's a never-ending cycle of anxiety. It is like Sundowners, anxiety-version.

On the way home, I feel a weird twinge or my stomach starts hurting or I can feel my heart kicking out weird beats. There it goes, a whirlwind that lifts me off the ground and makes me dizzy. I feel sick and being dizzy makes me sicker.

I desperately want to cry. I need the renewal that comes with choked sobbing.

I have had this feeling all week. It paralyzes me and makes me crawl into bed to do nothing. I forgot to pay our monthly bills on time. I forgot to submit something important to the church bulletin. My dishes are piled up. My laundry is overflowing. I haven't cooked a real meal in over a week.  I have been wearing dirty clothes to work all week and no shower, just perfume and deodorant to cover the smell. This is me at my worst.

Rock.
Bottom.

Misery.

Give me relief Lord. Jesus, I trust in you. I hear what you are telling me and I am willing to concede that point.

I think it may be time for more therapy. I am not ashamed, but I am afraid. Will it work? Release, relief, I crave you. Let me snuggle down in the dark and never worry again. Please God...help me be still and know.

Fill up your cup

I have had a long week.

My emotional reservoir was seriously depleted.  I have not slept well.  I am fatigued. I wasn't feeling well tonight and didn't feel like eating much. I am stressed, but I am grateful.

I have forgotten how much I needed to take the time for a little self care.  So tonight, I am in my sweatpants. My favorite green "T rex hates pushups" tee, courtesy for the Field Museum in Chicago, reining in the boobage and getting ready for some cross stitch.

How are you? Are you well? Have you had some rough nights recently? It's okay, really. No matter how scared, anxious, lonely, or fatigued we are, we know that we still have each other. We are all in this together.

This week I learned the very important lessons of service and grace and a huge helping of humility. I helped a very dear college friend during a very rough time in her life. I made myself available to her in any way she needed and tried to calm the chaos for her, just a little bit. For a moment or two, she had peace. I am not good at the emotions or the gestures of comfort. I feel awkward and never know quite how to act. However, for my friends, I will do anything. I am fiercely loyal and passionately in their corners. Do not think that because I don't cry much that I do not feel. I feel very deeply.  I am devoted to filling up your cup at the risk of letting my own well dry up.

This tough week has been a trial for the fortitude of our nation and our people. People feel hurt and sad and, whether you believe they should be or not, the reality is that they are.  So, fill each other's cups. Remember that true service, done out of love, can build bridges instead of walls. Keep perspective on your situation. While people cried over election results, others cried because they lived in poverty or because a loved one died. Most of all, extend compassion and actively listen to one another.   Have a wonderful week ahead and know that God is there. Love and light to you.

Gee, narcissistic much?

Boy, that first day back after a long weekend is a killer, eh?

My work day went screaming by and now it's almost 8 and I still have a bunch of stuff on my to-do list!  Yikes.

I am writing this in lieu of something else that's due soon, so hey, procrastinators UNITE...tomorrow.

Here's a little something about me you may have noticed.

Sshhhh.  I'm a narcissist.  At least, that's how I feel sometimes.  I struggle with this a lot, especially lately.  I have a really hard time biting back the urge to interrupt conversations (though that does happen frequently, no matter how much I tell myself not to), I rattle off know-it-all facts when people are talking about a particular subject I may have some veeeerrrry tangential relationship to, and I have a hard time keeping friends.  Probably because of these traits.

I am somewhat of a well-meaning narcissist though, if that's a thing.  I try very hard on a daily basis to keep my ego in check.  I honestly think that a lot of people fail at that quite spectacularly.  Instead of feeling jealousy because you didn't get as big a role as you thought you should, instead focus on how to support those in the bigger roles.

Instead of talking about oneself constantly, ask questions of others and LISTEN to their responses.

Constantly serve and ceaselessly pray.  Those both have helped me realize and combat my narcissistic ways.  I will be the first to admit that I do like it when people praise my talents.  I sometimes check what I post on Facebook several times a day to see how many people like it or have commented on it and I sometimes feel affronted that no one has liked my status.  Trust me when I say that I recognize this behavior and constantly feel guilty for feeling this way.

I continue to try daily to not come across so self-centered.  I do this by nearly always asking to help someone or volunteer for some position or another.  I mean, I do it because I really do want to help, but an eensy-weensy part of me does it because if I didn't, I would be even more of a terrible person. Helping people is my calling and one I undertake seriously, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't feel just little bit better about myself because of it.

The biggest problem is the interrupting and know-it-allness that sometimes comes across.  You guys have NO IDEA how much I edit myself before I speak.  Like, ALL THE TIME, thinking about how this will come off and how someone will view me based on what I say.  I feel like half of the thoughts that fly through my head are tsking myself for having said something fairly innocuous that someone may have perceived in a negative light.  I constantly berate myself whenever I mentally correct people and REALLY let myself have it when I actually, finally, give in to the urge to verbally correct someone.

I know.  This does not paint a pretty picture of me.  I realize this.  So why post this?  I just want to know if I'm alone in these crazy thoughts.  I edit my texts, my e-mails, my speech, and oftentimes, my physical reactions to other people based on what I think they'll think about me if I respond differently.  It is exhausting sometimes to hold it all in.  I honestly don't know where I want to end with this.  I am a pretty joyful and exuberant person, but sometimes, sometimes I truly despise myself and how I told some stupid story that's only indirectly related to someone else's true and heartfelt one.  I am a very lonely soul some nights.  I'm the odd piece on the puzzle board.  The one that slipped in to the wrong box.  No matter how hard I try, or how many people try to fit me in to the missing spot, I will only get crumpled and oily around the edges.

Darkness can only be in places that also carry light.

The good thing is that I know God is there and He carries me through a lot of the darkness.  My puzzle piece always fits inside His heart.  I think my husband is the only other person in my life that actually knows how hard I try.  They both love me in spite of my filthy heart.  I will always be grateful to Rick (and God) for rescuing me out of my own personal darkness.  I will continue to work on this, but just know that if you know me, I don't mean to be rude or pedantic or ramble on.  I just want to know you and support you in any way you need.  I promise.

(Also, I took a test and scored really low, so I'm hoping that helps convince you all that I'm not completely crazy!  I tested it myself! haha)

St. Teresa of Calcutta, pray for me and all those whose darkness can consume them. Pray that the light prevails within us.

Tuesday 5: Summer time and the living is....busy?!

Okay, wow.  Sooooo...I took the summer off.  Sorry about that.  I have been BUSY!  This time I actually mean it and I wasn't just suffering from writer's block.

I'm gonna do a Tuesday 5 to get back in the groove, alright?

Thanks for sticking with me, by the way.  And HELLLLOOoooooo to the new faces!  (Pretend that was Seinfeld.)

Without further ado...

1.  I started a new job in May, as a trainer.  I love it.  It's always different and I get to talk a LOT.  Only downside is all. the. MEETINGS.  OMGoodness!  That's okay, though because I would still rather be stuck in a meeting than sitting at a desk doing the same work over and over and over ad infinitum.  I also chose a standing desk at my workspace.  I love it.  I occasionally do a bit of yoga while standing.  I do some squats or calf raises while reading stuff and my legs feel much better.

2.  I am involved in 3 SIGNIFICANT things within my parish.  I have weekly meetings for two of them and am about to start monthly meetings for the third one.  I'm actually THRILLED!  I like having 50 things going at once so this suits me just fine.  The people I work with are all brilliant and kind and funny and creative and so, so generous with their spirits, their words, and their time.  It's amazing.  Truly.  I love my parish so much!

3.  So, I flaked on no-spend August you guys!  I just couldn't plan and commit this year.  It was so hard.  I was busy and just feeling depressed and deflated (losing one of my pets and gaining back some weight will do that to you) and I just felt so blah that I didn't do it.  BUT, I have my shopping list for September and tomorrow after work I am going to prep.  It's going to be a September fiscal fast instead.  I have a few old blog posts on this, if you are clueless.  Check 'em out!

4.  I've been thinking about babies a lot lately.  There's a song by Jason Aldean called "Laughed until we Cried" and it came on my mp3 today.  This is one of the verses:

Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

Ugh, you guys.  I wanted this so badly...I dreamed of the day that I could do this with my husband.  It touches my heart so deeply and some days I can't handle it.  It's been a while since I've felt as sad as I did when all the fertility stuff was actively happening to me.  I trust in Jesus to help me.  He's there.  I know it.  It's just really f'in depressing sometimes.  It makes me hide that pain behind something else and not processing this crap hasn't helped.  Sometimes I watch a bunch of sad videos to force myself to cry it out, but I have to find joy in small things.  I have to. 

5.  Well, the inevitable "signs of aging" have started.  Oh boy.  (Note the sarcasm.)  I put my hair up in a top knot the other day and I apparently have glitter all over my hair now...?  Or something glinting in the light.  I'm going with strands of glitter.  I also have to fill in my eyebrows with a pencil now.  Okay, that's just not cool.  Why do eyebrows thin?  I don't want to be the middle aged woman with just one thin line as my brow.  Also, there's a vessel in my eyelid that's now visible.  The hell is that?  My hands are getting old, too.  This can't be happening!  Where do I submit complaints?  

Get off my lawn, you durn kids!  

Thanks for reading.

I am melancholy

I am sadness.
I am the swirling waters of the sea and
the deep expanse of a midnight sky.

I sit quietly among the trees in the forest and
Ponder my existence.

I know that I cannot be here for me alone.

To what do I owe my allegiance?
To who am I called?

I am one with the Maker.
The Giver bestows me with wisdom.

          May I preserve and use it.

The Creator endows me with the spirit.

          Lord, give me purpose.

Seek and ye shall find.
Knock and the door shall be opened.

The Dark One assails me and I

          Raise my hands over my face.

This feeling of despair only comes with the Darkness
I can always see Christ more clearly in the light.

Come Light and Chase out the Darkness.
Soothe me, comfort me, and turn my

Melancholy into
          Joy!

A Race

A week or so ago, I needed to get out of the house.  I had itchy feet and I knew I needed to drive.  I just needed to drive somewhere, it didn't really matter where.

Accompanied by the vocal stylings of Bret Michaels (Poison 4everrrrr), I rolled down the windows on my miniv...*ahem*, crossover vehicle, and turned up the radio.  I just started going south.  I drove south, out of the city, winding past close-set houses, until I got further out.  I started passing by wide, lush lawns, huge homes set far back from the road, and kept going.  I drove until I ran out of asphalt.  I live in Kansas, so it actually didn't take as long as you'd think.  Then, I took a left, and another right, and drove south again until I ran out of asphalt.  Slowly, I turned around and meandered home, taking another route, past houses I'd never seen before.

My life's motto!

Every once in a while, the only fix my poor, wanderlusting heart can get for the gypsy feeling is to just go.  I beg my husband to go on Sunday drives, but he's not as fond of wasting gas as I am, I guess.  Occasionally, I get the opportunity to run away, just for a half hour, or maybe a few hours, or even just 10 minutes.  I don't want to escape my life, but I need to run out of my skin for a minute.  I need to feel the wind and see the countryside.  I need to blast my radio and sing out loud.  Sometimes, I need to chase the sunset...or sunrise.  Depends on the day.

In the midst of my drive though, I realized that one of the last times I did this, I had to turn around rather quickly and go back to familiar territory.  My anxiety belted itself into my passenger seat and mocked me.  It scowled as I took off and cringed the further away from my home I got.  When I got to an area where the land rose and became hilly, it wound itself up as tight as a coiled snake and its tail started rattling.  I knew I couldn't make it.  I knew that it was going to bite me.  So, I turned around.  I looked at my piteous self in the rearview and I drove back home, defeated.

This time was different.  My heart soared and I kicked anxiety to the curb like the unwanted hitchhiker it was. I outran my skin that day and for a few moments in time, I was happy.

Life is what you make of it and I am taking my gypsy heart for a ride more often.  I'm making a life that is no longer consumed by anxiety.  I hope you get the chance to outrun your fears, even just for a moment.