Tuesday 5: Body Positive Edition

I have been feeling rather dumpy lately. My legs hurt, I have gained back some weight, I hadn't worked out in 3 weeks. I just plain haven't been feeling it. Today was my first day back at the gym in 3 weeks and it took everything in me to pull into that parking lot, change clothes, fill up my water  bottle, and start my workout.  The reason for my absence?  Well, I was sick for a week, my shoulder hurt the next week, and the week after that was just laziness. I felt every bit of it today, too. That was one of my most difficult workouts,  mentally and physically.

So, in the interest of keeping myself going, here are 5 things I love about myself no matter my weight!

1.  My Eyes.  I think that I have very pretty eyes.  I have long eyelashes and my eyebrows are even and filled out.  They are thinning a bit, as everyone's does as you age, but not a lot.  They are arched perfectly over my eye.  I think my eyes are expressive, too.  You can usually see a lot within them.  

2.  I am tall.  I am 5'10" and I love being this height.  I can reach pretty much anything I may need from higher shelves and I carry my weight well.  Plus, it comes in handy if you are feeling confident, because sometimes with my height and weight, I intimidate people.  I'm not saying I like intimidating everyone, but it definitely has its perks in certain situations.  I can help people at the grocery store, too.  My favorite part of being tall is being super tall in high heels.  I'm lucky my husband is 6'2", so even in heels, he's still usually taller than I am.  

3.  I have great hair.  It's naturally wavy, thick, and glossy.  I rarely use product in my hair and I don't often color it or use heat on it.  That keeps it looking very shiny and healthy.  It's wavy enough that I can diffuse it into curls or straighten it fairly easily.  I just got a bunch of blonde highlights in it and chopped it for the summer and it looks great!  I also look good with longer hair, though I don't keep it long very much anymore.  I am definitely getting some grays, but they actually blend in pretty well.  

4.  I have a lot of scars that remind me that I'm a survivor.  I have scars from open and closed heart surgeries, my pacemaker surgery, and scars where they put tubes in my stomach as a baby.  I have scars on my hands from burns and cuts and scars from a bike wreck when I was in 5th grade.  They define me in a way that nothing else can.  They show that I have lived and been hurt and gotten up and dusted myself off and kept going.  As a child, I was asked a lot about my zipper on my chest and I never remember feeling bad about it.  I was proud.  It made me different.  It made me feel strong.

5.  I like my brain.  There are a lot of things about it that drive me crazy, like its need to obsess over little things and the endless counting of ALL THE THINGS, but it stores quite a bit of information.  My brothers tease me that I'm only 'trivia smart' and while I agree that I know a lot of useless knowledge, I know that I'm not stupid.  I pick directions and hobbies up very quickly.  Once you show me something, I don't usually have to ask how to do it again.  I have phone numbers stored in my brain from YEARS ago.  (I still know all my good friends' phone numbers from when we were kids as well as my library card number from my hometown library.)  I still know Mark Antony's soliloquy from Julius Caesar and I have a vast inventory of 90s songs, titles and artists, in my brain.  I have pretty good critical thinking skills and great short-term memory.  (That was helpful in high school for a lot of tests in which I studied 20 minutes ahead of time and passed the test with flying colors.)  My brain is big and beautiful, just like me.

I'm sure this random 5 was boring to a lot of you and may seem braggy, but I truly believe positive self-talk is crucial in making things happen.  I don't like feeling down and dumpy and with my anxiety, sometimes I feel like I have no choice.  Today, though?  Today I have a choice and my big, beautiful brain is telling me that I have a lot of good things going on.  I will chip away at the weight gain, little by little, and I will conquer more major steps in my journey.  I hope all of you take the time to be body positive today, too.  There's lots to love about all of us, so come on, tell me your best feature below!

Tuesday Random 5: Supper Time

1. Lasagna and garlic bread for supper with homemade meat sauce. I let it cook for an hour, not an hour and a half like the recipe said, because otherwise,  we wouldn't be eating until after 7! OMG on the sauce, though. New recipe and it is ridiculous! So yummy! The secret? Sweet Italian sausage and ground beef!

2. Due to the sauce and complexity of the recipe, I did not make real garlic bread. Womp. Womp. The Texas Toast 5 cheese stuff is a decent substitute though.

3. I made polenta for the first time last week. It was super easy! It was also really good and has a texture similar to grits, which I love! I will definitely make it more often now.

4.  I just checked on the lasagna and bread. (They are still in the oven.) I snuck another spoonful of leftover sauce. That's some life-changing sauce!

5. I think it's a perfect night for lasagna.  It is gray and rainy here. What's your favorite meal to make on a rainy Spring night?

Have a great week everyone!

Tuesday Random 5: Gardening Edition

Do you know what I like about gardening?  Getting dirty.  I love coming inside and having mud-caked shoes and feet, dirt under my nails and my outfit covered in dirt.  Gardening is elemental and practically a spiritual exercise.  With that thought, here is my garden edition of the random 5!

1.  I planted a butterfly garden tonight...all by myself.  Meaning that I dug the hole, 4 ft. long by 1 1/2 ft. wide, placed all the individual plants and backfilled and watered it.  We are doing what we can to help save the monarchs.  They apparently only lay their larvae on milkweed, so we have some red milkweed.  I paired it with ornamental grass on either side and some gaura in the middle.  It looks great, but my back is sooooore.

2.  Things are blooming!  My mandevilla is going strong and my Kansas peonies are blooming.  They are a beautiful dark fuchsia and smell great.

3.  If you have a dog, you probably already know this, but BEWARE the land mines!  Ugh.  They are everywhere and stink so badly.  I love my dog, but his poop is a different story.

4.  Buying from an actual nursery is expensive, but usually well worth the time and money!  Our local nursery was great about recommending plants to pair together in containers and had so much variety of everything.  You can't find quite the same stuff at Home Depot or Lowe's garden centers.  You also have a hard time finding help at those places...at least I do!  Bonus:  My nursery loaded pretty much everything for me!

5.  One of the best feelings in the world is wiping off your brow, leaning on the shovel handle, popping the tab on a fresh beer, and surveying your handiwork.  It's a delight to know that I can help things grow through some hard work and great plant choices.

Now that I'm done with the butterfly garden, I have my sight set on some cascading plants to fill the trough my husband built and hung on the inside of the fence next to our new patio.  Any gardeners out there with colorful and low maintenance selections?

Have a great week everyone!

Mom's Day Rant

I hate commercialized holidays.  Okay, maybe hate isn't the right word.  I intensely dislike them with the passion of a thousand burning suns.  Is that more accurate for you?

As you can see, this makes the holidays I do celebrate somewhat limited.  It also makes me feel a little guilty this year, because well, I'm a stepmom and I did get an actual gift for Mother's Day.  It was something I had suggested for just such an occasion to my stepdaughter when we were out shopping one day. 

I resent such a day being corrupted by the odious machinations of a world in which people are practically shoved into a Hallmark store, thrust a dozen roses, and forced into making a reservation for brunch at some chichi place, thereby spending a sum total of half a paycheck in order to make me feel secure in the fact that I am okayish at taking care of two needy teenagers who thankfully haven't yet told me they hate me and I'm not their mother.  

I loathe to celebrate a day in which I am told mothers are the bestest and do the haaaaardest jooooobs in the most gratingly whiny voice, then spend the next 5 minutes berating their deadbeat husbands and complaining they only got a stupid card.  

My Mom, sister, and I.  I'm in front, sis is in the back.
Mom's a hottie, yo.

I am not wont to participate in a day in which fathers blog about how much their wives are worth to make sure they get half the internet to praise them for FINALLY being the ONE man to understaaaaaaand us.  I am not a fan of the needlessly endless list of hats mothers wear that people tout to somehow absolve themselves from any guilt over not really wanting to have kids.  Or, I don't know, maybe they do it because they really feel like mothers are that unacknowledged, even though it seems like this time of year we are inundated with the exact opposite of that?  Sorry, but throwing together PB& J doesn't make you a chef any more than gluing feathers to your butt makes you a bird.  Likewise with someone saying they are a nurse when all they did was spray some Bactine and slap on a bandage.  

I'm not discounting that mothers have difficult jobs.  My Mom raised 7 of us, all hardheaded, Type A personality children.  She and my Dad were and are, great parents.  My Mom is a saint for the times she held back a few choice words about her dumbass kids and their dumbass decisions.  She is also admired and respected for the times she let loose and let us have it as well.  My Mom makes the best pot roast (like candy), loves bargains, and has the WEIRDEST answers in Scattergories.  I won't even play the game unless she and my brother Eric are both playing, because they have some crazypants thoughts!

My siblings and I constantly refer to her 'Momisms' because well, how do I say this politely Mom?  She is smart, but sometimes tends to the flighty and forgets obvious things.  Love you Mom!  

My Mom is a great one and I am so thankful for her, so for a day like tomorrow, I will take the time to acknowledge that my Mom is pretty awesome.

I will never profess to be the hardest working or best at mothering.  I came upon this fate by marriage.  I have even heard people say that I am not really a mother, because I didn't have a kid myself, I just have stepkids.  To them I say, F*&@ off!  Mothers aren't magically nurturing because they squeezed out a kid.  Mothers are made, through hard work, sacrifice, lots and lots of alcohol, crying, prayers, and nightmares.  I'm not a mother because I didn't birth the two humans who take up space at our table and take half the money.  I'm a mother because I stepped in, stepped up, and gave a shit.  

I don't need roses or a card or brunch.  I don't need no stinkin' badges or medals.  I do however, need support, and lots of it.  I need support from my Mom, my sisters, my friends, my husband, and my God, because like every other 'real' mom, I need help to raise these suckers to be the best dang kiddos they can be!

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who has ever stepped in, stepped up, and given a shit!  I don't care if you are foster mothers, single women, mentors, adoptive mothers, mothers who have lost their children, stepmoms, or 'real' moms.  You. CARED.  And for THAT, this day was made.

Hallelujah!  Holy Shit!  Where's the Tylenol?

In defense of you

I read an article this morning on the naming of Kate and William's newborn daughter.  The article discussed how awful it was that the author's 6-month old daughter was named Charlotte and now, horror of horrors, Kate and William named their daughter the same.  The author even stated that she was seriously contemplating changing her daughter's name because she didn't want her to have the same name as a bunch of other children in her class.  She wanted her daughter to be unique and ended the article apologizing to her daughter for "failing" in the name department.

To this author and her daughter and the myriad of other children out there named Charlotte, Olivia, Madison, and whatever other names are in the top 10 baby names this year, please hear me when I tell you:  YOU are enough.

A name does not lend you "uniqueness".  You are already unique, as a member of this planet, born with a mix of DNA that is uniquely yours.  Your quirks, your flaws, your skills, your experiences, your abilities, they are all completely unique to YOU.

I once felt that I was not enough.  Sometimes, when I am depressed or anxious, I still think it.  I feel like I am failing at life.  I feel like I may as well just go back to the old standby me, the one who sits around and eats, the one who cries because I never had many friends.  I sometimes feel like my uniqueness really hurt me, because I could not relate well to others.

Part of that was my own doing, because in longing for friends, I often overshot the mark and became someone I wasn't to be a part of that group.  Or, I practically stalked people so that I could become friends with them.  Imagine my surprise when showing up on someone's doorstep to talk didn't make someone a best friend either!  

My sister stayed the night here last night and Saturday night, as she was on her way to, and from, Iowa to go house hunting.  We were discussing a former friend of my stepdaughter's, who has had a lot of difficulty in school, mainly because she is highly intelligent and unafraid to speak her mind.  Let me tell you, I saw myself in her.  She sat at my table one day and corrected my stepdaughter when she misspelled a word, without being asked to, and I looked at her and tried to impart wisdom.  As I sat there looking at myself 25 years ago, I told her that I knew from personal experience, nobody likes a know-it-all.  How do I know?  Because I was that child.  My sister just nodded and said, "Yeah, you were, weren't you?"  Yeah, yeah, I was.

Why did I do that?  Well, I guess my 12-year old self thought that was the only way to impress others, because otherwise, I was not enough.  I was tall and stocky.  I couldn't play basketball because of my congenital heart defect.  I had anger issues.  I was super sensitive and cried easily whenever I was angry or upset.  I was a perfectionist who couldn't just let things go.  I overcompensated and pushed even more people away.

25 years later, I am much more comfortable in my own skin.  I embrace my intelligence.  I love my quirks.  I'm easily amused.  I love corny jokes.  I love music and will dance anywhere at any time.  I love the retro. modern aesthetic and my favorite color is purple.  I am super sarcastic and love to read.  I am an introverted extrovert.  I am boisterous and loud and chaotic, but I crave my space and time to be alone.  I often agree to go to parties and back out at the last minute because I cannot face new and different people, yet I am the first one to chat up random strangers in the elevator or at the grocery store.

I am uniquely me and I have learned that I am enough.  I am enough for my husband and my stepkids.  I am enough for my friends and most importantly, I am enough for God.

If I have some people that maybe don't like me, it's not because I am not good enough.  I am not a bad person, even though I do tend to interrupt people, because if I don't get out my thought, I tend to forget it.  I am not a bad woman, because I know more about sports than I do about hair and makeup.  I am not a bad wife because I hate scrubbing toilets.  I am not a bad friend even if I call or write infrequently.

Likewise, if you are feeling low today, if you are struggling to fit in or maintain friendships, or establish new ones, YOU are enough.  You don't have to wear yoga pants and a stained sweatshirt to prove you are a dedicated mommy.  You don't have to be dressed and made up perfectly to prove you are a hardworking person.  You don't have to listen to the music you don't like.  You don't have to play dumb or pretend to be someone you're not in order to 'fit in'.  Be you, unabashedly.  Do not apologize for your YOUness.  There were three Adams in my high school class, two Tonys, two Kristens, and two Kims.  Guess what?  They were all different.  They were all unique and their names were even spelled the SAME WAY.  *GASP*  Quelle horreur!  

A name does not define you.  A name is a great start to getting to know someone.

You'll find those that you are meant to be friends with.  I found a lot of mine in college.  I have a friend who I talk on the phone with probably twice a year.  Every time we talk, we end up quoting lines from "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles".  Every single time, we laugh.  She is my Diana Barry.

There are no unique names, people.  Unless you are making yours up out of thin air, there will be someone else (probably tens of thousands of others) with your name.  You don't need a superfluous Y, Z, K, or DEN, DYN on the end of your name to fit in to this world.  You already do.  God loves you.  Your parents love you.  You will make friends who love you and all of your quirks, too.

You are enough.

Tuesday again?

I am sure you probably haven't missed me, but just in case you have, I'm sorry for my absence. I am feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I am valiantly trying to stick with my workouts, but I have gotten a bit behind.  Then, I have been terrible lately at meal planning and have gained back 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Ouch. I am lethargic and busy and feel like I am letting my husband down a lot lately. Of course, being super behind on the blog doesn't help any either. I suck today. Here's my pity party. Bring wine!

1.  I nearly fell asleep driving home after my workout yesterday. I was stopped at a light close to home, yawning and trying to keep my eyes ooen. Then, LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem came on the radio and suddenly, I was awake! Jammin' out and cranking it up.

2.  We moved into a new office building downtown.  It is a block away from a camera/electronics store. I am already eyeing the filters. So many to choose from!

3.  My feet are already starting to develop athlete's foot. Ugh. Anyone have some good alternative remedies?

4. I am thinking of chopping my hair. Not sure about it. I like my long hair, but I never have time to do anything cute with it. I am not sure my fat face will look good with shorter hair.

5.  My tummy is grumbling and I am trying to drink water to get it to shut up. I cannot eat a sleeve of Thin Mints. I must avoid do much sugar, but it is so difficult.  How do you get your tummy to shut up when you are craving goodies?

Tuesday 5

1.  I started trying to put in an effort this week and actually wake up at my first alarm to get ready for the day.  Previously, I was hitting snooze 5 times and then rolling over and picking up my tablet to check Facebook and not crawling out of bed until I absolutely had no time left but to pack a quick lunch, change, and run out the door.  Today I received the first obligatory, "You look really nice today.  Is there a change?"  Yep, I'm actually wearing makeup, that's the difference.  Apparently I look like an old hag without it.

2.  I found out that I have anemia today.  My hemoglobin has always been lower than normal and I have a very difficult time giving blood because of it.  However, I've never actually been diagnosed with anemia before.  Apparently, I now have a logical reason as to why I chew ice all day long at work.

3.  I took a shopping trip to Target today.  I actually walked out with only $40 worth of stuff.  I'm amazed.  You don't have any idea how many things I picked up and put back though.  My restraint should be rewarded...with a purse!  Oh, wait...

4.  I bought myself a T-shirt the other day to support my Boys in Blue, the Kansas City Royals.  I've had a Royals shirt, but needed another, as the one I had has what I believe to be cherry juice stains on it.  I got a plain tee with Royals on the front and Eric Hosmer's last name and number (35) on the back.  He's a rockstar and he really grew on me during the playoffs last season.  He has a lot of passion and gets fired up.  He's also extremely supportive of his teammates.  I was looking up last year's roster for someone yesterday and saw that we also have something in common.  Hosmer is a Scorpio, just like myself.  Awesome!

5.  My husband finished up building our raised gardens.  We are hoping to plant everything by the end of this weekend.  I am excited to get it started, but I think we bit off a bit more than we should have this year.  Either way, I'm hoping to enjoy a lot of fresh produce this summer!  I'll have to take pictures of it when it's completed.

Have a great week everyone!