In defense of you

I read an article this morning on the naming of Kate and William's newborn daughter.  The article discussed how awful it was that the author's 6-month old daughter was named Charlotte and now, horror of horrors, Kate and William named their daughter the same.  The author even stated that she was seriously contemplating changing her daughter's name because she didn't want her to have the same name as a bunch of other children in her class.  She wanted her daughter to be unique and ended the article apologizing to her daughter for "failing" in the name department.

To this author and her daughter and the myriad of other children out there named Charlotte, Olivia, Madison, and whatever other names are in the top 10 baby names this year, please hear me when I tell you:  YOU are enough.

A name does not lend you "uniqueness".  You are already unique, as a member of this planet, born with a mix of DNA that is uniquely yours.  Your quirks, your flaws, your skills, your experiences, your abilities, they are all completely unique to YOU.

I once felt that I was not enough.  Sometimes, when I am depressed or anxious, I still think it.  I feel like I am failing at life.  I feel like I may as well just go back to the old standby me, the one who sits around and eats, the one who cries because I never had many friends.  I sometimes feel like my uniqueness really hurt me, because I could not relate well to others.

Part of that was my own doing, because in longing for friends, I often overshot the mark and became someone I wasn't to be a part of that group.  Or, I practically stalked people so that I could become friends with them.  Imagine my surprise when showing up on someone's doorstep to talk didn't make someone a best friend either!  

My sister stayed the night here last night and Saturday night, as she was on her way to, and from, Iowa to go house hunting.  We were discussing a former friend of my stepdaughter's, who has had a lot of difficulty in school, mainly because she is highly intelligent and unafraid to speak her mind.  Let me tell you, I saw myself in her.  She sat at my table one day and corrected my stepdaughter when she misspelled a word, without being asked to, and I looked at her and tried to impart wisdom.  As I sat there looking at myself 25 years ago, I told her that I knew from personal experience, nobody likes a know-it-all.  How do I know?  Because I was that child.  My sister just nodded and said, "Yeah, you were, weren't you?"  Yeah, yeah, I was.

Why did I do that?  Well, I guess my 12-year old self thought that was the only way to impress others, because otherwise, I was not enough.  I was tall and stocky.  I couldn't play basketball because of my congenital heart defect.  I had anger issues.  I was super sensitive and cried easily whenever I was angry or upset.  I was a perfectionist who couldn't just let things go.  I overcompensated and pushed even more people away.

25 years later, I am much more comfortable in my own skin.  I embrace my intelligence.  I love my quirks.  I'm easily amused.  I love corny jokes.  I love music and will dance anywhere at any time.  I love the retro. modern aesthetic and my favorite color is purple.  I am super sarcastic and love to read.  I am an introverted extrovert.  I am boisterous and loud and chaotic, but I crave my space and time to be alone.  I often agree to go to parties and back out at the last minute because I cannot face new and different people, yet I am the first one to chat up random strangers in the elevator or at the grocery store.

I am uniquely me and I have learned that I am enough.  I am enough for my husband and my stepkids.  I am enough for my friends and most importantly, I am enough for God.

If I have some people that maybe don't like me, it's not because I am not good enough.  I am not a bad person, even though I do tend to interrupt people, because if I don't get out my thought, I tend to forget it.  I am not a bad woman, because I know more about sports than I do about hair and makeup.  I am not a bad wife because I hate scrubbing toilets.  I am not a bad friend even if I call or write infrequently.

Likewise, if you are feeling low today, if you are struggling to fit in or maintain friendships, or establish new ones, YOU are enough.  You don't have to wear yoga pants and a stained sweatshirt to prove you are a dedicated mommy.  You don't have to be dressed and made up perfectly to prove you are a hardworking person.  You don't have to listen to the music you don't like.  You don't have to play dumb or pretend to be someone you're not in order to 'fit in'.  Be you, unabashedly.  Do not apologize for your YOUness.  There were three Adams in my high school class, two Tonys, two Kristens, and two Kims.  Guess what?  They were all different.  They were all unique and their names were even spelled the SAME WAY.  *GASP*  Quelle horreur!  

A name does not define you.  A name is a great start to getting to know someone.

You'll find those that you are meant to be friends with.  I found a lot of mine in college.  I have a friend who I talk on the phone with probably twice a year.  Every time we talk, we end up quoting lines from "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles".  Every single time, we laugh.  She is my Diana Barry.

There are no unique names, people.  Unless you are making yours up out of thin air, there will be someone else (probably tens of thousands of others) with your name.  You don't need a superfluous Y, Z, K, or DEN, DYN on the end of your name to fit in to this world.  You already do.  God loves you.  Your parents love you.  You will make friends who love you and all of your quirks, too.

You are enough.

Ties that Bind

Crocheting by a very warm fire and thinking about so many things. I am thinking of all the ties in our lives that come undone, seemingly without our knowledge. The stitches slip out and the connections end. It is sad to think about those lost connections, but I know there must be a reason that connection was made in my life in the first place.

 I am a solitary person by nature. I was raised to be independent,  the middle child of 7, and though I had a lot of friends, none but a few were especially close. I have sat alone through so many doctors' appointments, both for my heart and my infertility.  I was alone when 9/11 happened, teaching in a small town and not knowing a single soul.  I was by myself frequently, working late at my job through most of high school.

I am not usually lonely, but tonight I wish I could reach into my past and fix those broken connections. I so want to have deep theological conversations with my friend Nathan. I want to talk nonsense with my old roomie Diane. I desperately want to talk with my friend Sherri again, Sr. Catherine that is, now.

 I remember riding my bike to my friends' houses in my hometown and just chatting with them about school and nothing and everything in our small microcosm of life then.  Why is it so difficult now to pick up those connections?

I think for me, the hardest thing is knowing that sometimes I'm the only one trying to keep the connection alive. I used to send cards for everything, but I received no acknowledgment for them. Not even letting me know people received whatever it was I sent. I would feel so crappy afterwards, like they just didn't care. So, I stopped. I am not letting that kind of emotional baggage drive me crazy.  (Let's face it, I'm close enough I could walk there!)

I guess what bothers me the most are the people that I've really tried to be there for, in their good times and their bad times.  I would have done just about anything to support and help those people.  I have done many things to support them and show them they are loved.  People that I considered good friends, that simply found others and didn't need me around anymore.  Some of them just didn't have time for me anymore. Some of them apparently forgot I existed, lost my number, and totally forgot all about the memories we made.

Look, I'm not saying I must be the center of attention here.  I hope that's not what this sounds like.  I'm not trying to throw a pity party.  I'm just saying, people, acknowledge those you love.  Call them, write them, text them, pray for them and let them know.  We are all so busy in this world, but are we really too busy to comfort each other, support each other, and talk with one another for longer than 5 minutes?  Obviously, there are some people that cut those ties with me and I am aware of the cut.  Some of them healed.  Some of them are scabbed over and some of them are still open wounds.  I'm not a perfect person.  I'm not even anywhere close!  BUT, I am a different person from the one I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 25 years ago, even 6 months ago.  I am someone who has learned to forgive, to acknowledge fault, to read people's faces so I know when I need to shut up and stop talking.  About the only thing I have yet to learn is to lose a bit more graciously.  I am working on it, really!!

Fortify the ties that bind with double knots and extra string.  Maybe some glue or tape, or even plaster if needed.  Rebuild those connections and reach out to those you feel need it.  Put the scissors away, and remember at the end of the day, that connection you lost will one day sit by the fire, crocheting, and think of you and all the awesome things they loved about you and smile and maybe hope for a better connection going forward. 

Love and light to you all.