I'm here for the (pity) party

I want to write important things.  Doesn't everyone who writes?  We want to feel like we existed and laying our thoughts and feelings in words is an existence in itself that could potentially live here after us.

The words that I use today are quite different than the words that I would have used 15 years ago.  Then it would have been painful and I would suffer to tell the tale of a lonely soul who found love and walked away from it with their skin shredded to ribbons.

10 years ago I suffered under the weight of my soul-crushing desire to have a child.

5 years ago I rejoiced in the promise of an answered prayer.

Today my thoughts and feelings, though still full of those other times and sufferings and joys and grace and despair, also smack of vitality and renaissance.  I am woman.  I am 40.  I am passion and purpose and art and fury and all the things I held restrained within me at 24.

I hadn't yet learned the beauty of stillness.  I hadn't yet heard the heartbeat of perfect love.  I hadn't yet borne the despair of infertility.  I hadn't fully lived.

And yet...have I now?  I do feel that I am on the precipice of something.  Not just being 40, but finding a fullness of myself.  I'm not sure what that even means, but I'm ready for it.

Until I get there, are these words today enough?  Have I meant something?  Have I existed in these words?  Have I inhabited my speech and my thoughts and my feelings?  Have I left something good with my family, my friends, my community, full of warmth and passion and a true deep well of happiness that is encapsulated in my life?

When in doubt, live.  Tackle that voice telling you no or you can't.  Put those words down and give them wings by letting them breathe in the light.  I'm certainly going to try because I have hope for more than today.

Tuesday 5: Would You Rather....

1.  Have your spouse be sick and sleep in another room OR have your sickly other half sleep next to you because you can't sleep without him there?

2.  Have someone go on and on about how awesome their life is OR listen to someone talk about how this world is totally screwed and there's nothing anyone can do?

3.  Go all winter without shaving your legs OR Go all summer without working out?

4.  Forget your own birthday OR Forget a special event in your relationship?

5.  Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pratt, Chris Evans OR Chris Pine?

For the record, I would totally lose sleep either way on #1, so I'd rather he be in another room so that I can try to not get sick.

I would totally listen to the positive than the negative, but I'd bitch about both.  The humblebraggers are annoying and the complainers just want to pull you into their misery.  Don't fall for it!  Take it from Admiral Ackbar:  

I am all about Sasquatchin' it out over the winter.  I can't stand working out, but at least you get some endorphins kicking in afterwards.  Though, now that I think about it, shaving your legs after 3 months of winter is probably similar to an Olympic event.

I am going to take some heat for this, but I'd rather forget a special event in our relationship than my own birthday.  As long as I remember my anniversary or my dateaversary, it's all good, but to forget my own birthday?  How would I know that I turned 29 (again)?  Plus, I love a good Halloween/Birthday Bash!

Lastly, I mean, is it even a contest really?  Chris Hemsworth all the way!  Thor for the win!  Something about that magic hammer.  ;)

Have a great week everyone!