We all fall short

Today started off crazy.  Our good friends' two little boys spent the night Saturday night and this morning they woke our teens up super early. Everyone was a little tired and we forgot what it took to get little ones ready for church. They are 5 and 4 and of course, we weren't used to anyone getting up early enough to eat breakfast before mass.

We loaded everyone up, after running to grab car seats, and headed to church. The boys were very good, even though it was their first time in a Catholic mass.  We brought a couple books and our kids brought their phones to distract the boys when they got antsy.

I have been struggling recently with drawing my kids closer to the church. I have also been feeling a lot more like a stepmom than usual, feeling a bit left out. It's a natural progression as the kids get older and start figuring out which parent is the "fun" one. Shock of shockers, that ain't me!

I feel like sometimes, instead of leading them to Jesus, I have pushed them further away.  I get frustrated because they aren't following along, they are distracted, they don't take as much time to pray as what I think they should, and it makes me hypercritical.  I see myself getting angry and making biting sarcastic remarks to them and I know it only hurts them.  I can see it in their eyes and it makes me feel so, so sad.  

Today during mass, it struck me that I need to let them see the Church through new eyes.  As with the two boys we brought along today, I need to allow them to have the same awe and excitement that the little ones experienced.  Before, I would make sure they were following along closely in the missal.  I would give them head nods or hand signals to let them know to pay attention, but what I was missing is that we have to also EXPERIENCE the mass.  In the midst of the chaos today, I realized that my stepson didn't have his missal.  It was just after the transubstantiation and I at first thought I needed to grab one and hand it to him, but then I stepped back.  We were at arguably the most important point of the mass.  Jesus became present to us, through His flesh and blood, in the sanctity of the Eucharist.  My stepson was still kneeling down and still looking at the altar.  Did I really need to bother him to make sure he was following along line by line?  What if I stepped back and allowed him to experience the mass in his own way?  Would that be so bad?

I am struggling with lots of emotions regarding my children lately.  They are your typical teens, reluctantly doing chores, sometimes reacting with a negative attitude to certain requests or situations, and I often forget what I felt like during those years.  It's a wonder how my parents (and siblings) survived when I was a teenager in that household.  Would it be so awful to allow them to express their feelings and react how they need to?  Of course not.  The teenage years are hard enough without a harpy of a stepmom on your shoulder!  

To draw them to the church, perhaps I need to show them how loving Christ changes you as a person.  Instead of trying to have them stick to my rigid demands, I need to let them love and embrace Christ how THEY need to.  I need to pray for them LOTS and I need to be sure they know that not only do we love them, but God does, too.  I also need to remember the line from our homily on this Pentecost Sunday, that we ALL fall short.

The Holy Spirit guides us and we need to teach ourselves to listen.  I've fallen short a lot recently and it has left me feeling like I am a horrible mother.  I love these children and I want to see them do well in life, but I also need to remember that they are 14 and 13 and at a very rough time in their lives, regarding identity, self expression, and identifying the truth.  

I'm willing to let God take the lead on this one.  Next Sunday, I will do my best to allow them to immerse themselves in the mass.  I will let them look around in awe at the beauty of the physical church.  I will also let them be reminded of the beauty of the metaphysical Church as well, as we honor God by our praise and worship and remember what the center of our lives should rely on.  

I will do my very best to get rid of the critical tone in my voice that has appeared so often as of late and instead, listen to my children.  It's so hard sometimes to know when you need to push and when you need to let go.  I don't think I'll ever get that balance right.  

But, you know, an off balance life is a good life and one I'll gladly take.

Tuesday 5...7...5

1.    Mystery bruise found
    What may be the cause of it?
         Normal for a klutz.

2.    New job begins soon.
      More pay-bad elevator.
        Moving up--slowly

3.  Bunny in garden.
He better run faster than
   husband's BB gun!

4.  Starting a new page-
   Subversive Suburbia
     Submit poems now.

5.  My poetry skills
Leave much to be desired.
   Need help.  Send haikus!

Google knows what I like.

Tuesday 5: It be Stormin'

Hey everyone!  Time for a Tuesday 5.  I'm not doing these regularly anymore, but that's okay, I still like to contribute every once in a while.  I get so caught up in the random mundane stuff, between a new job and a prayer retreat, it's been a busy few weeks.

Courtesy:  Catster.com

1.  It is raining cats and dogs over here today.  Don't step in a poodle!  Haha.  We had the tornado sirens going off about an hour ago and it's still raining like crazy.  Just another wild day in Kansas.  When I was a kid and it was getting ready to storm, my Dad would open up the garage door and we'd sit on lawn chairs in the garage, just watching the weather roll in.  I love the smell of a storm moving in and I love the smell of the cleansed earth after it's done.  I've become a bit more cautious as I've gotten older, but I still love to watch storms roll in.  That elemental feeling is hard to describe.

2.  Unfortunately, bad weather now means my husband is sure to get called out.  He's a signal maintainer for the railroad and whenever bad weather hits, he almost always gets called out, because either the signals are malfunctioning because of lightning strikes or the water rises over the tracks and causes stuff to go off.  He got called out about 30 minutes or so ago.  I do worry, but I know that he is good at his job and he is a smart guy, so he's going to do what he can to mitigate any danger.  Still, I sometimes hate when he gets called out.  My stepkids are with their mothers and I'm here alone with the cats.  Thank goodness for books.

3.  Speaking of books, I just finished Paige Kellerman's new book, The Beer's Folded and the Laundry's Cold.  It was full of funny anecdotes related to her new role as mother and housewife.  It's a quick read and as always, full of pop culture references.  Paige is very good at turning a phrase and I enjoyed it.  She's also a fellow Kansan, so I'm sure she's outside right now looking up at the sky, too!  You can read more of the funny by following her on Facebook and at her blog, There's More Where That Came From.  Buy it here.

4.  This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  I have blogged about this several times, but my (in)fertility journey has been a long and arduous one.  It was hard.  It was REALLY hard.  It's not hard to remember how I felt during those endless months of being poked and prodded, told I was too fat, given endless vaj cams, and made to feel about as tall
as Tom Thumb any time the subject of pregnancy came up.   It's so hard to know how it's all going to turn out when you are in the middle of it.  Looking back on those years of struggle, the torturous pregnancy tests, shots, and feelings of hopelessness seem so overwhelming.  And yet, here I am.  I made it through to the other side.  One angel baby in heaven waiting for me and no babies in my arms.  I'm not sad, but I am wistful.  I am also very, very grateful for God's love and grace.

5.  I was part of a Christ Renews His Parish retreat at my parish two weekends ago.  I'm Catholic and this program was started in the 70s in another state.  Its aim is to help people find a deeper commitment with Christ, but also to get to know their neighbors and friends that occupy the pews.  It's a wonderful program and there were some amazing witnesses given.  I would encourage anyone, Catholic or not, to find a church offering this and check it out.  Then, bring it back to your church if you like it.  It's a fabulous way to learn more about yourself, Christ, and the other people in the parish.  I have met some very dear people and been delighted to share time, prayer, and scripture with them.

Have a great week everyone!

A Child's Hurt

I am so frustrated today.  This is probably going to be kind of a long story, but I need to get it out.

I don't even know where to start.  Do I start with the fact that my stepson, who is nearly 14 years old, got kicked out of school AGAIN today?  Why this time?  Very similar to the last time.  He did something stupid and got called out by the teacher.  His reaction, instead of just taking his lumps and sitting through class, was to write a note about why doesn't the teacher just kill him...last time he drew a picture of himself dead on the ground after getting caught playing around in class.  However, this time no one saw him with the paper, so because he's sick of the class and is too embarrassed to stay in because he got in trouble, he brought it straight up to the teacher.  He knew it would get him sent to the counselor, which it did.  Then, he got upset when he found out he was in trouble with his mom and dad.  Well DUH kid, every other bleepin' time you've pulled this crap, you've gotten in trouble.  This is NOT NEW.

Yes, he has anxiety.  Yes, he has ADHD.  Yes, he is in therapy.  However, his mother only takes him once a month to therapy and the anxiety workbook that's supposed to help was completed last summer and still he reacts like this to anything that upsets him.

Just this past Sunday, he was wearing dirty clothes that had been laying on his floor.  I knew because every time I opened his door, I saw them laying there.  Look, he knows they go in the hamper.  He's 13 and smart.  He should know what to do.  So, I called him out on it and told him to find something else to wear.  He immediately turned the corner in the hallway and I hear a 'slap, slap, slap, slap'.  I told him to get back out here and told him that he knows better than to hit himself.  He knows that doesn't solve anything.  So he tries to lie and say that wasn't what that was.  I call him out again, because I know EXACTLY what that is and he admits that yes, he was hitting himself.

Child, GET A GRIP!  This kid is very close to ending up in a PRTF (Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facility).  His mother knows it, his father knows it, and I know it.  They told him about the consequences, but he just can't redirect his anger/embarrassment/hurt to something other than self-flagellation.

His dad and I are getting to the ends of our ropes.  He has had behavior issues ever since he first entered school.  I understand that it was a very difficult transition to move here from California and then surprise, at 7 1/2 your mother finally decides to contact your dad and let him know she's back in Kansas.  His maternal grandparents severely dote on him, to his detriment, and then threaten his mother that they're going to take him away if she doesn't allow them more time with him.  He gets away with a lot over there and then has to come to our house, that's full of rules and chores and a half-sister who is here most weekends and has known us since she was born.  It's a tough hand to play, but kid, you are only doing yourself a disservice.

On top of it, his mother thinks that he needs to be exactly like her.  Pushes him into stuff he didn't express interest in, solely because she likes it and making sure he believes what she believes about everything.  Of course she's also an atheist and while everyone's opinions are their own, a 13-year old that claims he also doesn't believe in God has no clear basis for that belief, besides that his mom told him he shouldn't because she doesn't, even though neither of them have researched any of it.

Rick and I sit here and just shake our heads so often because, even though we know he's hurting and a mess, we don't know what to do.  How do you get a child to understand that he is only hurting himself and saying the same things over and over until it's just an echo chamber of shit nobody listens to?

My stepson is a smart kid.  He's funny and sweet and plays well with younger children.  He loves comic books and superheroes and Legos and I just don't get how this sweet kid can be so broken.  Why is it always a fight?  Why does he hate himself so much when we all show him love?  Why can't he know God's love in his heart?

I don't want him to be 35 and living in his mother's basement.  He deserves better than that.  He can do better than that.  I think a lot of this stems from his anxiety, but he has been given many things to help cope with it.  That aforementioned book, a worry ring, and lots of other distractions to help are all things he has to rely on.  I told him that he needs to ask God for help when he's sad or mad and that's when he said that he's not sure if he believes in Him.  Argh.

My heart hurts for what this child could have been like, had his antisocial mother not tried to make him antisocial in turn.  I still love him no matter what, but knowing that had she stayed here when he was born, he may be a more stable child who accepts love instead of pushing it away.

Pray for all of us.  Pray especially for my stepson, that he may receive calmness of spirit and solace from the anxiety today and always.  Thank you.

Tuesday 5: Baseball, books, and BRINNER!

Chilaquiles!!

1.  I successfully made chilaquiles for supper this evening.  It is traditionally a brunch item, but I need brinner in my life!  Especially some bomb af chilaquiles!  However, it made me realize that my small city only has a couple of Hispanic/Latin markets.  Traditional chilaquiles (red sauce) are made with guajillo chiles.  These are flavorful, mild chiles.  You buy them dried and then pour boiling water over them to soak for 15 minutes.  They are also topped with yolky eggs, my favorite!  My husband is crazy and only likes hard cooked eggs, so I had to make a couple for him.  It was a winning recipe and Rick and my stepson Daden loved them.  Bonus:  I get the leftovers for lunch tomorrow!  Mmmmm...chilaquiles.

2.  I have not been doing so well on the whole weight loss thing recently.  I have gained back a lot of what I lost.  Partly because I couldn't afford my trainer anymore, which led to zero discipline.  I am part of a Facebook group of alumni from my alma mater that is focused on health and fitness though.  We are currently reading a book called "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst.  I couldn't wait for the person in charge to catch up with the questions and stuff, so I went ahead and read the whole thing.  I finished it today.  If you are a Christian, this is a great book to help you focus on weight loss as a spiritual journey and not just as a weight loss journey.  It focuses on self-discipline, which can be great for weight loss and help you increase in holiness.  I loved that perspective and am going to do my best to focus on that and also to pray, pray, pray.  Which to me is something that helps in so many areas of life.

3.  Next up is Jenny Lawson's "Furiously Happy", which I have heard nothing but good things about.  I also have Martin Short's memoir, "I Must Say" and Bill Bryson's "Notes from a Small Island".  I discovered a new way to get ebooks along the way.  It's an app. called Overdrive.  You log in to your public library account through the Overdrive app. and choose books available on their site.  Then, you can download it as a regular ePub book or in Kindle format.  I have a Kindle, so when you choose that, it sends you to Amazon, where you log in and download the book.  It's amazing!!  And Free!!  Did I say FREE?!?!  I meant it.  Also, you can get lots of NEW books on it and place holds.  I currently have holds on the new David Sedaris and Chrissy Teigen's cookbook.

4.  Baseball is back baby!!  I can't wait to see how my WORLD CHAMPION Kansas City Royals do this year.  Dang, it feels good to say that!  They are amazing and really just such a great team, because they are a true TEAM.  Four of the players who are really good friends, Eric Hosmer, Lorenzo Cain, Salvador Perez, and Jarrod Dyson even did an awkward family photoshoot!

L to R:  Cain, Perez, Hosmer, Dyson

5.  I interviewed for a new position last Wednesday.  This new position would be in a different state department, as a medical trainer for Elderly and Disabled Medicaid.  They only interviewed 3 people!  Eek.  I thought I had a pretty good interview, but it's so hard to tell.  Of course, I haven't heard anything about it yet, but I know they were checking my references.  I would love this because it is truly what I want to do, but I do enjoy my current position and my current supervisor is amazing.  It's always hard to leave one job that you love for another that you hope to love, but aren't sure about.  Although, in this case, my direct supervisor would be someone who is a friend.


Have a great week everyone!!  Lob some ideas my direction, because I am failing miserably with thinking up my own.  Yes, I've tried idea generators, but I can't seem to find something I like.  Hmm...maybe I should just start jotting down my dreams.  I have some crazypants dreams!  What do you think?

The Way Back

And there I was, sitting in my vehicle, sobbing.  Wretched, convulsive sobs engulfed my body.  A flood gate had opened and I sat there, vehicle humming, seatbelt undone, face in my hands, sobbing as if I had lost someone.  

My faith life got off track for a bit during and immediately after college.  I would like to think this happens to most people that go through a huge life transition like college and becoming a true adult.  Admittedly, it began because I got lazy.  I got lazy with my faith and lazy in going to mass.  It just became so much easier to not go.  The innate desire I once had to be there was gone and I rejected all of my friends' invitations to go with them.

I think part of it was also due to a new boyfriend and residual guilt I had about our relationship and the fact that he was not Catholic, nor did he claim any denomination in particular or go to church.  I loved him and hey, I was a pretty decent person, I didn't really need to go every single week, did I?

I became a lapsed Catholic and ya' know, for several years after college, I was okay with it.  I would make it to church with my family and maybe a couple other friends, but never on my own.  I couldn't sit in that pew, lonely, dejected, and feeling guilty over my sinfulness.  What if people guessed how I felt?  Could you see those sins as easily as I could, imagining them scrawled on my flesh like pen on paper?  My soul felt smudged, blighted, as if I was no longer good enough for God.

I remember a distinct conversation I had with my grandmother, regarding my faith, years after this period.  I was telling her about it and she said, "Yes dear, I think it happens to a lot of us with our faith, but God was always faithful and standing by, calling you back to Him."

He was and He did.  I felt that yearning deep in my soul on a daily basis.  I felt that want to go back to church, to meet Him face to face in the Eucharist.  I knew I couldn't without confession and boy, that was hard to admit.  During this time period, I had met my now husband and drug him along with me to mass from time to time, but I still felt I needed something more.  We got married in the church.  I kept making excuses to God and myself about the steps I needed to take to get back to Him fully.

Finally, just a few years ago, I summoned up some nerve and went to take part in the sacrament of Reconciliation.  Standing in line for the confessional, I bit my lip and tried hard not to pass out from the anxiety of it all.  After several arduous minutes, it was my turn to step in.

I shut the door, kneeled behind the screen, and immediately burst into tears.  In a shaking voice, full of anguish, I choked out my plea, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.  It has been over 10 years since my last confession."  I'm sure some of those words dissolved under the weight of my guilt and sin and abject misery.  I gave my confession, my complete and total list of everything that encumbered my soul.  I prayed the Act of Contrition and received my penance.  When he said these words,

"God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your son, you have reconciled the world to yourself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the church, may God grant you pardon and peace. And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."

I started sobbing again.  I was a weeping mess for a few minutes, before the priest said he had a question for me.  He asked me what made me come back.  Why did I seek him out?  I told him my story, of how my husband and I had tried for 5 years to have children and how it didn't work out, even though I prayed every day.  I told him how I changed that prayer after a while and started asking God to make me okay with not having children of my own, to ease the pining in my heart, and He answered that prayer.  How could I not come back after He granted me that?

I walked out of that confessional in a daze.  I'm sure, to the others in line, I looked a hot mess, clutching a handful of Kleenex and a puffy, tear-stained face.

And there I was, sitting in my vehicle, sobbing.  Wretched, convulsive sobs engulfed my body.  A flood gate had opened and I sat there, vehicle humming, seatbelt undone, face in my hands, sobbing as if I had lost someone.

I didn't lose someone that day.  Instead, as the sunset streamed a golden hue through the windshield, I realized that I had finally found myself.  I had finally experienced true redemption.

This Maundy Thursday, I thank Jesus for instituting the priesthood.

Matthew 18:18New International Version (NIV)

18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."

I Bite my Thumb at you, Sir!

I mention my obnoxious coworker a lot in my normal Facebook feed.  I have had a few friends ask exactly what makes my coworker so obnoxious.  So okay, here's the story on that one.

So, I have been in my current position within the agency for what, 2 years now?  We were originally in a different building and in that one, he was on the other side of the wall from me.  I am normally friendly to people unless they give me a reason not to be, so when I first met the guy, I thought he was okay, though a Nebraska fan, so ya' know, a little suspect.  

One thing I quickly learned about him was that he was a real smartass.  Not a problem, I thought.  I am, too!  I once had an ex state that I was too sarcastic?!  Is that a thing?  However, I noticed that it wasn't just that he was a smart aleck.  He repeatedly would go out of his way to aggravate someone.  If he knew someone didn't like something, it was like he had to do whatever that was more often.  Again, didn't seem like a big deal at first, but then something changed.  He was always talking about things that were slightly, um, edgy?, you could say and he thought he was hilarious.  Everyone was always saying, "Oh so-and-so, *haha* you shouldn't say those things, you could get into trouble."  He was one of those people that always tried to push the envelope and people let him, because I guess they thought it wasn't worth the trouble to say anything and the director of our department was one of the people who just said, "Oh, so-and-so, you're just so funny..."

Well, in my old office I had a massive attention whore who did something very similar.  Always had to speak out about everything in the office and try to make it all. about. them.  Every single time.  I'm just not a fan of these type of people.  This guy is very similar to that, but almost worse, because he intentionally tried to provoke people.  

He constantly brought up topics that were inappropriate or hurtful to others.  Sometimes I heard him and cringed.  Other times I intentionally put earbuds in so as not to get irritated myself.  Luckily, at the time, he was on the other side of my cubicle wall and I rarely ran into him.  

That all changed when we moved to our current building.  (By the way, this guy is so obnoxious that he actually stole signage from our old building, because he thought it was hilarious to put up in his new cubicle, and people LET him!)  Now he was in the same aisle, in the corner, and all of his buddies would come over and sit in his little corner cubie and talk and talk.  Still, that wasn't too bad.  What really made him super obnoxious was when they moved everyone around again and he was assigned a cubicle directly across the aisle from me.  Now he was catty corner to his BFF, my coworker, who is the other half of my 2-person unit.  This is the same lady who he made it a directive each day to go in and make some comment about how she looked that day.  She's my age (upper 30s) and he's in his 50s.  He would come in and ask about her necklace, ask why she wasn't wearing a certain shirt, ask about her weight (seriously?!) and just every day go in and say something mildly inappropriate.  

Now they sit where he has a direct line of sight (and speak) to her.  Look, I'm a morning person, y'all!  I love the AM.  Once I actually get out of bed, I'm awake and usually happily humming a tune while getting coffee started, making my lunch, and putting on makeup.  I love the mornings, so, so much.  I get to the office about 15 minutes ahead of my 'start time' and RELISH that quiet. The first hour of the day for me is like a meditation.  I check my voicemails, my e-mails, finish up responses from the day before, go through anything due, and then start on my new requests.  

Now, I have a LOUD person, who doesn't care one whit about his volume, that as SOON as my coworker comes in, has to speak with her.  Not a big deal at first.  Everyone has that "Hey, good morning!" crap they do with one another.  This however, is not a 5-minute chat.  That first week, he talked normally to loudly (way above a whisper every time) for an hour to 2 hours EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  

I thought it was the newness of the situation for the first few days.  Still annoying, but ya' know, easily written off.  Nope!  Every single day for the first two weeks it started in as soon as my coworker stepped foot in her cubicle and didn't usually end until an hour in.  

Look, the guy already knows I don't like him.  I don't care for the way he talks to people, so snotty and thinking he's just all that and a bag of chips.  Add on that I don't care for how he treats women either and I really don't care for the guy.  So, because he knows it, I couldn't be the one to say anything to his supervisor, because he would just excuse it away as me not liking him.  Finally, even his friends and cubicle neighbors told his supervisor.  He was talked to.  He grumbled and talked some more.  He was talked to again.  

I just want 1 friggin' hour in the morning at peace.  That's all I am asking!!

After he was spoken with, as soon as I reach for my mp3 player, he'll shut up within a few minutes, because I guess he thinks it's me complaining.  But on days like today, when his boss isn't in the building, it's no holds barred!  Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk....this guy will NOT shut up.  

Okay, so there's a bit more to the story than just this, because I have said something to his supervisor about his inappropriate remarks to my coworker.  He actually tried to defend himself, as he began degrading women AGAIN!  

So, is this obnoxious behavior?  I would say yes, but maybe your definition is different.  A guy who is misogynistic, an attention whore, a constant provocateur on purpose, and not a little bit creepy with the younger ladies in our office, is obnoxious to me.  Maybe I'm not stating my case well enough, but believe me when I say that most of you would NOT like this guy.  He goes out of his way to make people feel like shit and he goes out of his way to exclude the people he doesn't care for, too.  Plus, he does NOT want to get into a conversation with people who might possibly chastise him for his language and/or vulgarity.  All of this adds up to obnoxious for me...what do you think?  Am I not being charitable enough?  Am I being too judgmental?  All I know is in the mornings I just want a little peace and quiet.  Do your work and I'll do mine.  In the afternoon, after we've put in more than 4 1/2-5 hours, go for it, for a short while anyhow.  

So, since I didn't do Tuesday 5 again this week, I may need to get a good topic for next week.  Any ideas?